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Business jokes

Mom and Dad are in the iron and steel business. She does the ironing and he does the stealing.

by (few years ago!) / 1040 views
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TALE OF THE 'NOT ENTIRELY' UNEXPECTED


There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead standing on the beach. They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.

One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn't be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two.

After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight. "What took you so long?" inquired the Redhead.

"There were some strong currents out there! But I'm here now! Am I the last?" replied the Brunette.

"No. Blondie is still out there somewhere." They decided to wait.

Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view. Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde "What took you so long?"

"What do you expect? You guy's cheated, replied the idignant blonde, "You used your hands!"

by (few years ago!)
25 Realizations You're Not In College Anymore

1. Youre waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.

2. Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.

3. College sweatshirts are casual instead of dress up.

4. Your parents charge rent.

5. The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, chips and cereal.

6. Its getting late when its 9:30 p.m.

7. Three words: Student Loan Payments.

8. You make thousands of dollars a year - and still cant afford that dream Porsche.

9. You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.

10. Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by games end.

11. THEN, discussing with your friends: GPAs, spring break plans, and tonsil hockey; NOW: mutual funds, interest rates, and wedding plans.

12. Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

13. Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

14. Sneakers are now weekend shoes.

15. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

16. Pregnancy now brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.

17. Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.

18. The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.

19. The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.

20. You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and MTV News.

21. Random hook-ups are no longer socially acceptable.

22. You wear more ties in a week than you even owned while in college.

23. You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.

24. You empathize with the characters from Friends.

25. METABOLISM SLOWDOWN

by (few years ago!)
BILL AND THE PEARLY GATES


Bill Gates dies and is at the pearly gates talking with Saint Peter. Saint Peter says, "Bill, you've done some wonderful things in your life and have earned the right to choose where you'll spend the rest of eternity. You can choose between Heaven or Hell, but choose wisely."

Bill looks over Saint Peter's shoulder between the pearly gates and sees nothing but a lush green meadow. Deciding to heed Saint Peter's words, Bill asks if he could take a look at Hell. Saint Peter agrees and sends Bill to Hell.

The Devil greets Bill at the gates of Hell and he is immediately taken aback. Much to his surprise, there's one heck of a party going on. People are dancing, the alcohol is flowing, music is non-stop and everyone is having a blast.

Bill returns to Heaven to again discuss his decision with Saint Peter. He again looks over Saint Peter's shoulder and sees only a lush green meadow. Bill says to Saint Peter, "I've put a lot of thought into this decision and it may sound foolish, but I'd like to spend the rest of eternity in Hell." Saint Peter fulfills Bill's request and returns him to Hell.

When Bill gets back to Hell there's been a big change. People are writhing in agony, flames are burning, moans of pain and despair are everywhere. Bill, being quite shocked at the sight asks the Devil, "What happened?? I was just down here a little while ago and everyone was having a great time!"

The Devil says, "Oh that... That was just the demo!"

by (few years ago!)
FASCINATING


A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, "The sky is fascinating."

The teacher says, "No that's fascinating."

Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated."

The teacher says, "No that's fascinated."

So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her tit's are so big she could only fasten eight

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

How did the blonde die ice-fishing?A. She was run over by the zambonis machine.

by (few years ago!)
Women Jokes

A woman was paying for some items in a supermarket - a pint of milk, a packet of bacon, a small bag of rice and a few vegetables. The man at the checkout said, "I bet you're single, aren't you?"

"Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?"

"Because you're really ugly," replied the man

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

Theres this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parishwho kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, Ill quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someonewho had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until thepriest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priestarrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks intown. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking abouthaving fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the newpriest about the code word.Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger atthe mayor and said, "I dont know what youre l aughing about, yourwife fell three times this week."

by (few years ago!)
May I borrow your dog for a few days?

It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."

"Gee...That's terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "Get in line."

by (few years ago!)
SPECIAL BLONDE DIET

blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."

"No, from all that skipping."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What is a blondes definition of a naval destroyer?A: A hula hoop with a nail in it.

by (few years ago!)
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