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Lawyer jokes

What do you call an honest lawyer?An oxymoron.

by (few years ago!) / 581 views
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Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week?A: So you dont have to retrain them every Monday.

by (few years ago!)
ANOTHER PEARLY GATES VARIATION


Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself.

Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important. God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand".

God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand".

God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?"

Bill Gates responded " I think you are sitting in my chair

by (few years ago!)
LIFE AS A MOLE


A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!"

The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!"

The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses....

by (few years ago!)
A DUCK AND A BAR

There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, "can I help you"?

The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"

The bartender said, "NO! This is a bar and we don't sell raisins." The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!

The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him? The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"

The bartender said, "NO this is a BAR we don't sell raisins!" So the duck walked out again and left. He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again!
The duck yelled at the bartender, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"

The bartender said, "NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there."

The duck said, "ok", and left.

The next day came and sure enough the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, "quack, quack, got any nails?"

The bartender replied, "No!"

The duck said "Good, then you got any raisins?"

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and wont be able to come to school today.School Secretary: Who is this?Pupil: This is my father speaking!

by (few years ago!)
Sports jokes

Two friends, Kirk and Bernie, were two huge baseball fans. Their entire lives, Kirk and Bernie talked baseball. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that who ever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One night, Kirk passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy, Bernie, awoke to the sound of Kirk's voice from beyond. "Kirk is that you?" Bernie asked.

"Yes, it's me," Kirk replied.

"This is unbelievable" Bernie exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" asked Kirk.

"Tell me the good news first," replied Bernie.

"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven," said Kirk.

"Oh, that is wonderful, So what is the bad news?" asked Bernie.

Kirk answered, "You're pitching tomorrow night

by (few years ago!)
Sports jokes

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven to nothing."

A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?"

by (few years ago!)
Political jokes

Republicans say "Merry Christmas!" Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness at the trial. The defense attorney asked the neighbor, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"

"No sir," answered the witness.

"Did you ever get any from his wife?" asked the lawyer.

"No sir." replied the witness.

"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"asked the attorney.

"Uh - excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we are still talking about drugs here, right?"

by (few years ago!)
What do lawyers use for birth control?

What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

by (few years ago!)
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