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Lawyer jokes

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why dont you swerve to hit him?A: It might be your bicycle.

by (few years ago!) / 543 views
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WISHING THE DAYS AWAY

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

by (few years ago!)
The Carrot

A guy goes into the bar with a carrot in his ear. He orders a drink. The bar tender wants to mention the carrot but decides against it.
On the next day, the same guy with a carrot in his ear goes to the same bar and orders a drink. Again, the bar tender wants to say something about the carrot but doesn't.

The 3rd day the same guy and the same carrot go to the bar and order a drink. As the bar tender serves the man he can't stand it anymore. He says to the patron, "Hey, you know you've got a carrot in your ear?"

The patron says to the bartender, "I can't hear you! I've got a carrot in my ear."

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls ?Cornflakes !

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Did you hear about the blonde with tire marks on her back? She crawled across the street when the sign said "DONT WALK".

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Did you hear about the blonde who put "Sagittarius" at the bottom of application forms where it said "Sign Here".

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What did the blonde say when she knocked over a priceless Ming vase?A. "Its okay Daddy, Im not hurt."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?A: She threw it off a cliff.

by (few years ago!)
STOPPING BY THE OFFICE ONE DAY

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair

by (few years ago!)
Funny Animal Jokes

A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.

Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.

He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."

He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."

The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".

by (few years ago!)
Three Guys Go to Heaven

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter. So, Peter asks the first guy, how many times did you cheat on your wife?

None. I had a perfect marriage.

Great, says Peter. You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?

Only twice, I think, says the second guy.

Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?

12 times. Maybe 13, says the third guy.

Okay, says Peter. You get a rusty Ford.

by (few years ago!)
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