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Animal jokes

While driving down a dirt road in my pickup truck in a rural agricultural part of Iowa with my pet donkey in the back, I discovered that I had a flat tire. I got out of my truck and had the donkey stick its head under the bumper to lift the truck.

A passing farmer asked, "Hey, that's a pretty clever trick. How did you teach your donkey to lift the truck?"

I replied, "It's a simple matter of the breed; this is a jack ass."

by (few years ago!) / 941 views
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Jokes And Funny Stories About Marriage

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

by (few years ago!)
CAUGHT IN THE ACT

This Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife. Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story.

"Wow, that's awful, what did you do?" the bartender asked.

"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and came straight back here. Shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

What happens if you cross a midget and a computer?A: You get a short circut

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

Why did the chicken get sent off?For persistent fowl play!

by (few years ago!)
FATHER FORGIVE ME...


A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost."

"What do you mean almost?" question the priest.

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave.

The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

"Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

How are you doing in arithmetic ?Ive learned to add up the zeros, but the numbers are still giving me trouble.

by (few years ago!)
THE JEWISH BEGGAR


An old Jewish beggar was out on the street, begging with his tin cup. A man passed by and the beggar said to the man, "Sir, could you spare 3 cents for a cup of coffee?"

And the man said, "Where do get coffee for 3 cents?"

And the beggar said, "Who buys retail?"

by (few years ago!)
What's the definition of mixed emotions?

What's the definition of mixed emotions?

Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?""Its $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? Youll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?""Thats my business! Get me the course!"Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before its too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."

by (few years ago!)
Women jokes

Shortly after the birth of their second child, her husband offered to take her shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husbands opinion. By this time, he had learned just the right things to say. "Its perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer and slenderizes your hips." Just then, a voice from the dressing room piped up. "If theres a dress here that will do all that- Ill take ten!"

by (few years ago!)
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