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Jokes And Funny Stories About Marriage - 5

A man's on his deathbed with his wife sitting near him. He says "Dear wife, I must confess certain things to you before I die." She says, "Hush now, husband, you're fading fast."
He says, "But this is really important, I must tell you so I can die with a clear conscience! I slept with your best friend, your sister, and your mother!"
She says, "I know, that's why I poisoned you."

by (few years ago!) / 491 views
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THE ATTORNEY AFTERLIFE


An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.

The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.

The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.

When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."

by (few years ago!)
First client

After successfully passing the bar exam, a young man opened His own law office. One day he was sitting idle at His desk when His secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him.

Show him right in! the lawyer replied.

As Mr. Jones was being ushered in the lawyer had an idea. He quickly picked up the phone and shouted into it and you tell them that we won`t accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don`t even call me until you agree to that amount!

Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones, Good morning, Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?

I`m from the telphone company, Mr. Jones replied. I`m here to connect that phone.

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

This guy had a parrot he trained to sing. Once he took the parrot to the bar and told everyone that if you put a match under the parrot's right foot he would sing Jingle Bells and if you put the match under his left foot he would sign White Christmas.

Of course the people in the bar wanted to see it. And, sure enough. He put a match under the parrot's right foot and he sang Jingle Bells. He put the match under the parrot's left foot, and low and behold, he sang White Christmas.

One guy asked him what would happen if he put a match between the parrot's legs. He answered, "I don't know. Try it and find out."

So, the guy put a match between the parrot's legs, and immediately the parrot began singing, "Chestnuts roasting...

by (few years ago!)
Women jokes

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Teacher : Whats happens to gold when it is exposed to the air ?Pupil : Its stolen !

by (few years ago!)
kid jokes

Some boy scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They're coming after us with flashlights.

by (few years ago!)
Women jokes

Why are women such bad drivers?Because there is no road between the bedroom and the bathroom.

by (few years ago!)
MAKING A POINT


A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

Men are like placemats. They only show up when theres food on the table.

by (few years ago!)
EAGER TO IMPRESS THE BOSS

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

by (few years ago!)
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