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Jokes & Funny Stories About Blondes

Why did the blonde get on the roof?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.

by (few years ago!) / 548 views
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A DIFFERENT KIND OF TOUCHDOWN


An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After lying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says "seven points."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 7 to nothing."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie, score."

After about ten minutes later the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score." The old man strains really hard but, to no avail he can't fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more.

Straining, the old man tries so hard he poops in the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting in front of a church and they each had charity boxes in front of them to collect money. The church goers that were passing by couldn't believe the nerve of the rabbi, and purposely threw large sums of money into the priest's charity box to spite the rabbi. Finally one of the passer-by had sympathy on the rabbi, and advised him, "Go to a synagogue and collect there, you'll have more success." The Rabbi thanked the passer-by, and then turned to the priest and said, "You here that, Yankel; he's telling us how to do business."

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the womans horse mis-steps and jostles the mans wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "Thats one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.A bit further down the path, the womans horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "Thats two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.As the afternoon sun began to set, the womans horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the womans horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front o f the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "Thats three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "Thats terrible, why would you do such a thing!"The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "Thats one!"

by (few years ago!)
EXPECTING A FIGHT?

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points to the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your Mom's the best lay in town Everyone expects a fight but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders up to the end of the bar
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom and it was really sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad you're drunk again!

by (few years ago!)
Political jokes

A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, DC. He saw a man standing near the curb, and asked, "Listen, Im going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?" "What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?" "Well no," the tourist said, "I didnt realize that. But listen, Im really in a bind so Im going to have to trust you anyway."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What do you call a blonde who dies her hair brownA Artificial intelligence.

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Art Teacher: The picture of the horse is good, but where is the wagon ?Pupil: The horse will draw it !

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was felling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by. "OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he stepps into the closet. At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman. Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!"Repairman:"Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"

by (few years ago!)
THE MERMAID AND THE COW

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in he head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the Mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young fellow asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What dog would you want on your American football team? A golden receiver!

by (few years ago!)
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