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Bars & Bartender Jokes & Funny Stories - 2

A man walks into a bar and asks, 'Do you serve women in this bar?'
'No,' replies the barman, 'you have to bring your own.'

by (few years ago!) / 482 views
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TWO QUICKIES

The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

* * *

Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns.

Billy: Who, me?

Teacher: Very good!

by (few years ago!)
NEW SECRETARY

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"

Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!"

by (few years ago!)
LEARNING TO LIVE TOGETHER


A Jewish man lives into a Catholic neighbourhood. Every Friday The Catholics are driven crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him to Catholicism.

Finally, after many threats and much pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and says, "Born a Jew, Raised a Jew, Now a Catholic."

The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighbourhood.

The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak.

He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying, "Born a cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish."

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

What do computers eat when they get hungry? Chips.

by (few years ago!)
computer jokes

"Well, I'd like to go to Hawaii. But, I'm afraid of flying, and I don't like the idea of going in a boat. So, I wish there was a bridge from here to Hawaii." said the man.

"That's impossible!" said the genie. "You'll have to make another wish."

by (few years ago!)
A HOT DAY AT THE NUNNERY


Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit (groan) on a hot day.

So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel. They ask who it is.

"The blind man," a voice replies. The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind.

He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

by (few years ago!)
QUOTES FROM EMPLOYEE APPRAISAL REPORTS

Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

I would not allow this associate to breed.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He would be out of his depth in a puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.

This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

by (few years ago!)
BAR JOKES -

A Skeleton walks into a bar and says,

"Give me a beer and give me a mop
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says,
'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'


The grasshopper looks surprised and says,
'You have a drink named Steve
A man walks into a bar swinging a set of jumper leads above his head.

The barman looks over and says
"You're not going to start anything in here, mate
Three old ladies are walking down the street. They are hard of hearing.

One: "Whew, it's windy today!"

Two: "No. Today's Thursday!"

Three: "So am I! Let's go to a bar
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.

"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender
A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."
The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."

"Why not?" askes the brain.

"You're already out of your head
A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.

"Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you

"Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them
How is being at singles bar different from being at a circus
At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

by (few years ago!)
THE TALKING PARROTS

A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"

by (few years ago!)
EMERGENCY IN THE VET'S OFFICE


A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

by (few years ago!)
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