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Bars & Bartender Jokes & Funny Stories - 2

A man walks into a bar and asks, 'Do you serve women in this bar?'
'No,' replies the barman, 'you have to bring your own.'

by (few years ago!) / 518 views
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Funny Animal Jokes

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference.

After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

by (few years ago!)
FRIVILOUS LAW SUITS BY US JAILBIRDS

A Virginia inmate tried to sue himself for $5 million on the grounds that he had gotten drunk and caused himself to violate his religious beliefs by committing a crime. Because he had no money, he wanted the state to pay the $5 million.

* * *

A San Quentin death row inmate sued California, claiming his civil rights were violated because his packages were sent via UPS rather than the U.S. Postal Service.

* * *

An Oklahoma inmate alleged his religious freedoms were violated but could not say just how, because the main tenet of his faith was that all its practices were secret.

* * *

A Nevada inmate sued when he ordered two jars of chunky peanut butter at the Nevada State Prison canteen and received one chunky and one creamy.

* * *

An Ohio inmate sued for being denied possession of soap on a rope.

* * *

A convicted New York rapist sued the state, claiming he lost sleep and suffered headaches and chest pains after being given a "defective haircut" by an unqualified barber.

* * *

An Oklahoma inmate sued because he was forced to listen to country music.

* * *

An Arizona inmate sued when he was not invited to a pizza party that prison employees held for a guard leaving his job.

* * *

A Colorado con sued for early release because "everyone knows a con only serves about three years of a 10-year sentence."

* * *

An Indiana prisoner sued because he wanted to obtain Regain for his baldness.


by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?A: In case she locks the keys in her car

by (few years ago!)
A THEORY OF CREATION


God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grand children.

by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball laying by the side of the walk. Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful young blonde woman standing next to him smiling.

"What do you have in your pocket?" she asked. "Tennis ball," the man said smiling back.

"Wow," said the blonde looking very upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"

by (few years ago!)
Sports jokes

The racecar driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Boy to Friend: Im sorry, I wont be able to go out after school. I promised Dad that I would stay in and help him with my homework.

by (few years ago!)
A STRANGE STORY


A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

by (few years ago!)
Jokes And Funny Stories About Animals - 3

A violinist was convinced that he could use his musical talent to tame wild animals. So, violin in hand, he travelled to the heart of the African jungle to prove it.
No sooner had he begun to play than the jungle clearing was filled with animals of all kinds gathering to hear him play. Birds, lions, hippos, elephants - all stood around, entranced by his beautiful music. Just then, a crocodile crept out of a nearby river and into the clearing, and - snap!- gobbled up the violinist.
The other animals were extremely angry. "What on earth did you do that for?" they demanded.
"Eh?" said the crocodile, cupping its hand to its ear.

by (few years ago!)
Zoo jokes

Whats the difference between a Northern zoo and a Southern zoo?In a Northern zoo you have the name of the animal and the Latin name underneath. In a Southern zoo you haven the name of the animal and a recipe underneath.

by (few years ago!)
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