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Bars & Bartender Jokes & Funny Stories - 2

A man walks into a bar and asks, 'Do you serve women in this bar?'
'No,' replies the barman, 'you have to bring your own.'

by (few years ago!) / 510 views
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Business jokes

Im very sad to announce this morning, girls, that Miss Jones has decided to retire, said the principal at morning assembly. Now we will all stand and sing this mornings hymn....now Thank We All Our God.

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

A lawyer and his Czech friend were camping in a backwoods section of Montana. One morning, the two went out to pick berries for their breakfast. They went gathering berries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears, a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. "What did you do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. "Miss, may I see your driver's license please?"

"Driver's license? What's that?" asked the blonde.

"It's a little card with your picture on it." replied the police man.

"Oh, duh! Here it is." the blonde said as she handed it to the cop.

"May I have your car insurance?" asked the cop.

"What's that?" asked the blonde.

"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."

"Oh this? Duh! Here you go." said the blonde.

The cop then takes his d**k out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims, "Oh no, not another Breathalyzer test!"

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What is brown and gray, has eight legs, and is carrying a large trunk and a small trunk? A Chihuahua on vacation with an elephant.

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?""Its $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? Youll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?""Thats my business! Get me the course!"Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before its too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What kind of pants do you buy for your pet Chihuahua?Shorts!

by (few years ago!)
THE BLIND MAN AND THE RABBI


A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A rabbi sits down next to him. The rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzah. Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man.

Several minutes later, the blind man turns taps the rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this shit?"

by (few years ago!)
computer jokes

A friend of mine had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they would take up less room.

When he told me, I was with another friend. She, a blonde, thought it was a good idea too!


Friday, we had a tornado drill. Our department is situated underneath a parking garage (funny how corporations just love putting the nerds in a basement), and there's a PA announcement repeating itself ad nauseum: "This is a tornado drill. Please move quickly away from any and all windows."

Somebody yelled out: "Quick! Get to a DOS prompt."


by (few years ago!)
Sports jokes

Recently, a college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders.

The coach was a bit suprised and remarked to his star football player, "You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand."

"That's right, Coach," replied the lineman, "but she's much better!"

by (few years ago!)
A LOGICAL ENOUGH QUESTION


On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

by (few years ago!)
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