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A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of your best" he says to the bar man.

Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables. He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?"

"Yes" the old man replies.

"Do you want a pint?"

"No, ta. I've got one `ere."

by (few years ago!) / 546 views
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SO YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH

A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?"

The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"

The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"

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Fixing broken computers

An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."

About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

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Bar jokes

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.

"We got he," replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers.

He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.

"I don't replied the hooker. "But I thought you might want to open those beers first."

by (few years ago!)
The Story of the Short Man

A short man walks in to the bar and begins to tell the bartender his story. Well, he theths, I wath driving down thith country road, when I thaw a thine that thaid "horth for thale". I jutht happened to be looking to buy a thorth, tho I turned up the driveway to thee about it.

The farmer wath quite nithe about thowing me the horth, but I made it clear to him that it had to be a healthy horth, not jutht any old thag back.

The farmer to me it wath a three year old mare. When we got to the horth, I athked the farmer to pick me up to thee the hortheth eyth, becauth I wath too thort. The farmer reluctantly picked me up to thee.

I checked the hortheth eyth, and they theemed great, and the farmer put me down. Nexthd, I athked the farmer to pick me up to thee the hortheth teeth. He wath even more reluctant thith time, but he did it.

I grabbed the hortheth lipth, lifted them, and tapped on the teeth to be thure they we tholid. They were, and the farmer put me down. We thtepped back thowards the hortheth hind quarter, looking towardth hith head, when I athked the farmer to thee the hortheth twat. The farmer grabbed me, picked me up, and thtuck me in the hortheth bum. Then he pulled me out and thtood me up, right at the back thide of the horth.

Well, I wath in thock. I wath covered in poo, and some got in my mouth.

As I thpit it out, I thaid to the farmer, " Let me rephrathe that. Can I thee her gallop thlowly?"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth? A: Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the blonde joke list.

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What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant? A: A mad scientist.

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I know a husband and wife who have separate bedrooms, drive differentcars, take separate vacations, work different shifts, have their owncomputers, and even have their own ISPs, separate e-mail addresses andHome Pages. They say theyre doing everything they can to keep theirmarriage together.

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David: My wife beats me, doctor.
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David: Every time we play Scrabble!

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An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

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Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."

Patient: "Oh no! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??"

Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."

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An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

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The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research.

After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"

by (few years ago!)
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