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A NEW SPORT?


First man: My wife suggested that I take up a new sport this summer.

Second man: Well, that's nice. It shows that she has your interests at heart. Did she make any suggestions?

First man: As a matter of fact, she did. By the way, how do you play this Russian Roulette?

by (few years ago!) / 526 views
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After the third day of a really torrid honeymoon, the young couple finally emerged from their room and walked into the hotel restaurant. After they were seated, the waiter came over to get their orders. The new husband looked at his bride and said, "You know what I really feel like honey ?" "Well sure," she blushed, "But we gotta eat sometime !"

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Educational jokes:

The reception children were trying to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words" she'd always remind them. She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Joey what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo," he said. "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words!" She then asked Eddie what he had done. "I read a book" he replied. "That's wonderful" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said "Winnie The Shit."

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What does it mean to come home to a man wholl give you some love and tenderness?Youre in the wrong house.

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Animal jokes

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

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Lesson In Logic

A third-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A little girl raised her hand and said, "To draw out all his savings?"

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School jokes

Teacher: Are you good at math?Pupil: Yes and noTeacher: What do you mean?Pupil: Yes, Im no good at math!

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AT THE GORILLA ENCLOSURE

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a couple are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a loose-fitting, spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing jeans and a T-shirt.

As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes mad. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and suggests that his wife teases the poor creature some more. He gets her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at the ape, and play along. She does, and the Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and the Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips. With that, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

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Sports jokes

When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team's performance.

Denver Broncos = Denver Donkeys
Kansas City Chiefs = Kansas City Griefs
Los Angeles Raiders = Los Angeles Faders
San Diego Chargers = San Diego Rechargers
Seattle Seahawks = Seattle Weehawks

Cincinnati Bengals = Cincinnati Plaingels
Cleveland Browns = Cleveland Clowns
Houston Oilers = Houston Spoilers
Pittsburgh Steelers = Pittsburgh Reelers

Buffalo Bills = Buffalo Nils = Buffalo Spills
Indianapolis Colts = Indianapolis Dolts
Miami Dolphins = Miami Stallfins =Miami Soft Ones
New England Patriots = New England Patsys
New York Jets = New York Pets = New York Not Yets

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Backdoor Lawyer

An anxious 15 year old girl comes home from school.
Mum, she asks tentatively, can you get pregnant from anal sex?
Don't be silly of course you can, replies her mother, where do you think lawyers come from?

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