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GEE, IT'S DARK IN HERE


This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does.

He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."

He quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"

The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."

The man whispers back "No, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."

The little boy answers "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..."

"I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."

"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."

The guy says "Look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."

"Ok." the kid whispers quietly. So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street.

Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike."

"Sorry, I can't afford to buy you a bike."

The kid says, "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars."

She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"

"I'll never tell."

"You BETTER tell me where you got that money."

"I'll never tell."

"You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does.

The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..."

And the priest answers "Now let's not start THAT shit again..."

by (few years ago!) / 628 views
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SEX ON THE SABBATH


A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted the Sabbath."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"

He goes to minister... a married man, experienced… for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands of year's tradition and knowledge: a rabbi.

The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The rabbi softly speaks, " If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

A mother and her child were at a wedding. A little boy looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?" His mom replies, "The bride is in white because shes happy and this is the happiest day of her life." The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

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by (few years ago!)
AMAZINGLY REAL EXTRACTS FROM AMERICAN COURTROOMS

Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
"The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
"And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
"No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

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"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

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"Did he kill you?"

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"Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
"All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

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"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

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"How many times have you committed suicide?"

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"How was your first marriage terminated?"
"By death."
"And by whose death was it terminated?"

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"Can you describe the individual?"
"He was about medium height and had a beard."
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"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

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"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

by (few years ago!)
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How does an archeologist tell a male skeleton from a female skeleton?
A: He knows it’s a female skeleton if the jawbone is worn down.

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A ROMANTIC AT HEART


A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I’m a divorce lawyer."

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What is a dogs favourite flower ?Anything in your garden !

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Funny Animal Joke

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

"Great idea!" the chicken cried.

"Let's offer them ham and eggs?"

"Not so fast," said the pig testily. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."


by (few years ago!)
UNDER THE STREET LIGHT

Late at night, a drunk was on his knees beneath a street-light, evidently looking for something. A passer-by, being a good Samaritan, offered to help. "What is it you have lost?" he asked.

"My watch," replied the drunk. "It fell off when I tripped over the pavement."

The passer-by joined in the search but after a quarter of an hour, there was still no sign of the watch. "Where exactly did you trip?" asked the passer-by.

"About half a block up the street," replied the drunk.

"Then why are you looking for your watch here if you lost it half a block up the street?"

The drunk said: "Because the light's a lot better here."\

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Teacher : Why are you the only child in the classroom today ?Pupil : Because I was the only one who didnt have school dinners yesterday !

by (few years ago!)
George Carlin's Views on Aging Part 2

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

by (few years ago!)
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