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VIEWING THE PAINTING


A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

by (few years ago!) / 657 views
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How do you recognize a blonde at a car wash A Shes the one on her bike

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TWO QUICKIES

The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

* * *

Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns.

Billy: Who, me?

Teacher: Very good!

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Misc Jokes

When they got upstairs, the Indian told her to take off her clothes and bend over. When she did, he took out a 2x4 and smacked her on the ass. "What the hell did you do that for!" she exclaimed.

"Me check for bees." replied the Indian.

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WORDPLAY


There's three dogs, a Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog all sat in a bar having a quiet drink when a great-looking female Collie strolls in. She comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a single sentence can have their way with me."

Quickly, the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."

The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."

She laughs and says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

by (few years ago!)
Office Terminology for the New Millennium - Part II

FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD JOB: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generator running.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

by (few years ago!)
Jokes And Funny Stories About Animals - 5

A man was out for a walk one day and on his travels he wandered through a farm. Strangely, he saw a pig with a wooden leg! This intrigued him so much he found the farmer and quizzed him about it.
"This be no ordinary pig" said the farmer. "For example, only two days ago there was a fire in the chicken shed when I was away from the farm. The pig noticed this and immediately went and let all the chickens out into the yard. He then phoned for the fire brigade and came straight back to hold the fire until they arrived!"
"And a few weeks ago, I was driving my tractor down a steep hill, when I lost control and the vehicle overturned - knocking me unconscious! The pig saw this, phoned for the ambulance and then rushed to the tractor and pulled me clear of the cab just before it set on fire."
The farmer was just about to launch into another tale when the man said "Yes yes, but what about the wooden leg?"
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by (few years ago!)
Vampire bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Why do blondes drive VWs?A: Because they can spell it.

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What do you call an alcoholic dog ?A whino !

by (few years ago!)
25 Realizations You're Not In College Anymore

1. Youre waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.

2. Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.

3. College sweatshirts are casual instead of dress up.

4. Your parents charge rent.

5. The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, chips and cereal.

6. Its getting late when its 9:30 p.m.

7. Three words: Student Loan Payments.

8. You make thousands of dollars a year - and still cant afford that dream Porsche.

9. You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.

10. Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by games end.

11. THEN, discussing with your friends: GPAs, spring break plans, and tonsil hockey; NOW: mutual funds, interest rates, and wedding plans.

12. Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

13. Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

14. Sneakers are now weekend shoes.

15. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

16. Pregnancy now brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.

17. Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.

18. The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.

19. The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.

20. You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and MTV News.

21. Random hook-ups are no longer socially acceptable.

22. You wear more ties in a week than you even owned while in college.

23. You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.

24. You empathize with the characters from Friends.

25. METABOLISM SLOWDOWN

by (few years ago!)
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