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CLINTON LANDS A ROLE IN STAR WARS

Who knew the Jedi Mind Trick could work on 250 million people all at once?"

"She's my sister?!? Well, back on my home planet of Arkansas, that ain't an obstacle!"

"Luke, I am your father. Obi-Wan, I'm your father, too. And that Queen chick? I'm her daddy for sure. And Leia's. And Lando's, and Boba Fett's, and Jabba the Hutt's, and Chewie's, and..."

"Wretched hive of scum and villainy? Woo-hoo, count me in!"

"I did not have sexual relations with that wookie, Ms. Chewinsky."

"Oh-h-h, you're looking for a little *WOOKIE*... Well, that's different."

"Cholesterol does not concern me, Admiral. I want that Big Mac -- not excuses."

"I think the American people would like a little more bass in my theme music."

"Well, it depends on your definition of 'father', Luke."

"Sorry about that lightsaber, Sugar. Just consider it laser dental work."

"Dispose of that troublesome young Jedi, Vince Skyfoster -- and make it look like a suicide."

"These are not the droids you're looking for, Ma'am. Say, it's getting hot in here -- you might want to take off your top."

"I *absolutely* support the use of droids in the military... Okay, now I don't."

"It's a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away -- and I'm still a lyin' weasel."


by (few years ago!) / 574 views
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A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby.

One day, the wife started having contractions so the husband rushed her to the hospital.

He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blonde guy turns to the girl and angrily says "Alright. Who's the other father!"

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Some guys are just born losers. A blonde fellow at my job was all worked up about this hot girl he had dated twice before. But today, he had stated that it was all over. So, I asked him why.

The blonde guy said, "Well, on our last date, we went over to her apartment, and she turned all the lights out after dinner. So, I got up and left, because I can take a hint just as well as the next guy."

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Did Santa Give You That Present?

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

Christmas Santa
The cop says to the kid, Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?

The kid says, Yeah.

The cop says, Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, By the way, thats a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?

Humoring the kid, the cop says, Yeah, he sure did.

The kid says, Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horses brain instead of on his back.

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A blonde bought two horses, but could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse, and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. Our blonde friend was stuck again.

The neighbor suggested that she notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our blonde friend couldn't tell the horses apart.

The neighbor suggested that the blonde measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was a full two inches taller than the black one.

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Why did the goal post get angry?Because the bar was rattled!

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A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans.

He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch.

"Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?"

"As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?"

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What's the difference between God and an attorney?

God doesn't think he's an attorney.

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HIGH SCHOOL VS COLLEGE


25. In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.

24. No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.

23. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both.

22. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher's guide.

21. In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.

20. In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends.

19. In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.

18. Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn't heard of it.)

17. In high school, you're told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don't conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition.

16. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you're lucky to ever talk with the professor.

15. In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.

14. In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than your high school final exams ever did.

13. In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning," you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, "Good morning," you write it down.

12. In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.

11. In college, weekends start on Thursday.

10. In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.

9. Once you've obtained the information described in #10, it's much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to "just happen to bump into him/her."

8. In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.

7. In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates.

6. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.

5. College men are cuter than high school boys.

4. College women are legal.

3. In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don't need a note from your parents saying you were skip... uh, sick that day.

2. In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed. In college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it.

1. In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.

by (few years ago!)
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The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."

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Computer jokes

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