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THE BAD NEWS AND THE REALLY BAD NEWS


A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face, some even look a little frightened and Clinton isn't in the room.

"What's the matter" he asked

"Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news"

"What's the bad news?"

"India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is warning them both that this could lead to regional war, that may go nuclear."

"Oh my God, what could be worse than that?"

"Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra"

by (few years ago!) / 451 views
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Similar Jokes

Actual Medical Charts

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. `

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"His mom replies, "The bride is in white because shes happy and this is the happiest day of her life."The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

by (few years ago!)
THE SMELL OF FRESH BLOOD

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!

by (few years ago!)
Liberal and A Genie

A liberal came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?" The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune." The liberal said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share." The genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the country two of it. What's your first wish?" "I would like a new sports car." "O.K., you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?" "I'd like a million dollars." "O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?" "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

by (few years ago!)
THE INTERN PUBLIC FOLDER

We have a big intern public folder at work, where all interns can post items and discussions, I found this is very amusing:

Intern 1: Does anyone know where and how we can access a high quality scanner and maybe even a photo quality 300dpi printer on campus?

Intern 2: Translation: Does anyone know where I can get access to the necessary equipment for making a fake ID?

Intern 3: Don't jump to conclusions. He could just as well want it to scan pornographic images.

Intern 4: Yes! The past few posts have made it perfectly clear! Intern 1 plans to scan pornographic images onto false identification cards! This will allow him and his friends to:

1) Get into bars
2) Improve the quality of their appearance
3) Give bouncers something to look at besides a smug photo
4) Distract bouncers from the scotch tape edges What a brilliant marketing move! Where can I buy stock in this venture, Intern 1?


by (few years ago!)
Medical Jokes!

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing isn't as good as it used to be. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure.
When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"



"Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"


The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that a neurotic knows the answer is but it worries him.


Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.


A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

There were three women were at their gynecologist having pre-natal checkups. The doctor asked the first woman, "In what position was the baby conceived?"

"He was on top," the first woman replied. "You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top," was the reply. "You will have a baby girl," said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. "WhatÕs the matter?" asked the doctor.

The blonde replied, "Oh no! Am I going to have puppies?

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes beer booze and fun

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?""A mongoose.""What for?""Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and Im scared to death of snakes. Thats why I got this mongoose, for protection." "But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes." "Thats okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."

by (few years ago!)
Fallen bridge

blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river.

The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down.

She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.

He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back."

She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Why do blondes drive VWs?A: Because they can spell it.

by (few years ago!)
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