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A MOST UNUSUAL DEFENCE


A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

by (few years ago!) / 485 views
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Jokes And Funny Stories About Marriage - 5

A man's on his deathbed with his wife sitting near him. He says "Dear wife, I must confess certain things to you before I die." She says, "Hush now, husband, you're fading fast."
He says, "But this is really important, I must tell you so I can die with a clear conscience! I slept with your best friend, your sister, and your mother!"
She says, "I know, that's why I poisoned you."

by (few years ago!)
SO CORNY IT HURTS!


A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?"

"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"

"I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What do you call a blonde who dies her hair brown?A. Artificial intelligence.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

A man works in the operations department of a large bank. Employees call him from the field when they have problems with their computers. One night a blonde woman from a branch bank called him and said, "Ive got smoke coming from the back of my computer terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

by (few years ago!)
Downturn in the StockMarket

Telltale signs of a downturn in the Stockmarket...

=> NASDAQ seen in waterfront dive getting gooned on port shooters.

=> You've just called your investment house and the first thing they tell you is the soup of the day.

=> U.S. dollar and foil covered chocolate pirate doubloons currently on par.

=> Dow Jones now stripping in gay bar under the name Wow Jones.

=> Next parade down wall street, CEOs still fling tickertape from windows, only now don't bother taking it out of their pockets.

=> Alan Greenspan has personally adopted a pesos-only policy.

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 196 years old!"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

A blonde walks into a hair salon to get her hair cut wearing headphones. The stylist asks her to take off her headphones but the blonde refuses. So the stylist takes them off and the blonde collapses to the ground and dies. The stylist picks up the headphones and hears, "Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."

by (few years ago!)
25 Realizations You're Not In College Anymore

1. Youre waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.

2. Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.

3. College sweatshirts are casual instead of dress up.

4. Your parents charge rent.

5. The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, chips and cereal.

6. Its getting late when its 9:30 p.m.

7. Three words: Student Loan Payments.

8. You make thousands of dollars a year - and still cant afford that dream Porsche.

9. You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.

10. Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by games end.

11. THEN, discussing with your friends: GPAs, spring break plans, and tonsil hockey; NOW: mutual funds, interest rates, and wedding plans.

12. Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

13. Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

14. Sneakers are now weekend shoes.

15. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

16. Pregnancy now brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.

17. Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.

18. The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.

19. The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.

20. You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and MTV News.

21. Random hook-ups are no longer socially acceptable.

22. You wear more ties in a week than you even owned while in college.

23. You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.

24. You empathize with the characters from Friends.

25. METABOLISM SLOWDOWN

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Did you hear about the Blonde who got a pair of water-skis?A: Shes still looking for a lake with a slope.

by (few years ago!)
Sports jokes

A Denver Broncos' fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Mile High Stadium, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.

by (few years ago!)
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