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A MOST UNUSUAL DEFENCE


A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

by (few years ago!) / 511 views
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Populating the Earth

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."

Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."

And Adam said, " 'What is a 'caress'? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "'Lord, that was even better than the kiss."

And the Lord said, "'You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."

And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"

by (few years ago!)
Balloon Art (9)

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. - Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

by (few years ago!)
A Hairy Situation

A man walks into a barber shop with his daughter. The girl is eating her favorite snack: a Twinkie. She stands very close to her father as he gets his hair cut in the chair.
After a few minutes of snipping away, the barber looks down at the girl and says, ''Sweetie, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie!''

The girl says, ''Yeah, I know. I'm gonna get boobies too!''

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THERE WERE THREE NUNS...


There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each. So the priest says, "ok, do your sins, come back, and I'll bless you." So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed.

The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was. She said, "I had sex with a guy."

The priest said, "ok," blessed her and said, "go drink some holy water." So she did!

The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was. She said, "I got in a fight with another nun."

The priest said, "ok," blessed her and said, "go drink some holy water." So she did!

The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did.
And as she was laughing she said, "I pissed in the holy water!"

by (few years ago!)
A pirate at the local bar discusses his past

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons!" Sure enough. The man looked around and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. "But wait!" he cried. "This alligator is tame. It wouldn't hurt anyone."

However, the bartender is adamant. The man continues, "If I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?" "Well, I guess so," says the bartender, "however, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone here that your alligator is tame!"

The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!" he shouts. "Sit up." With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist. BANG. BANG. BANG. And the alligator rears up on its tail. "Ralph, open your mouth." BANG. BANG. BANG.

And the alligator opened its huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligator's mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Ralph! Close your mouth, but don't bite." BANG. BANG. BANG.

As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowly closes, and stops just short of biting the guys d**k off. The crowd sighs, and the man says, "Ralph, open your mouth." BANG. BANG. BANG. The alligator's mouth opens wide again.

"There," says the man to the crowd. "Now would anyone else like to try this?" A blonde in the back says, "Yeah, I'll try. But only if your promise not to hit me on the head so hard

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

What is the best way to get to Paradise?A. Turn right and go straight.

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932 The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel I invested that nickel in an apple I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which Id accumulated a fortune of $1.37.""And thats how you built an empire?" the boy asked."Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wifes father died and left us two million dollars.

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

How are men like television commercials?A. You cant believe a word either one of them says, and they both last about 30 seconds.

by (few years ago!)
The preacher buys a parrot

A preacher is buying a parrot.

Are you sure it doesnt scream, yell, or swear? asked the preacher.

Oh absolutely. Its a religious parrot, the storekeeper assures him.

Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lords prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.

Wonderful! says the preacher, but what happens if you pull both strings?

I fall off my perch, you stupid fool! screeched the parrot.

by (few years ago!)
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