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JESUS IS WATCHING YOU


A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.

Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.

He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."

He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."

The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".

by (few years ago!) / 634 views
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Bar jokes beer booze and fun

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the worlds best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "Id like the best beer in the world, give me The King Of Beers, a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "Id like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why arent you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys arent drinking beer, neither would I."

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Dog jokes

What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? - A: It stole the show!

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Men jokes

Why did God create a man before a women?You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

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Marriage jokes

A woman was in court charged with wounding her husband. "But why did you stab him over a hundred times?" asked the judge. "Oh, your Honor," replied the defendant, "I didnt know how to switch off the electric carving knife."

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Animal jokes

Rabbit resuscitation... A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Ads Permanent Wave."

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

There is a guy. His favorite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'. The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?" The guy replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink."

by (few years ago!)
AN ENGLISHMAN, AN IRISHMAN AND A SCOTSMAN


An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them.

The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away.

The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer.

The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drinking saying, "Come on you little git, spit it out!"

by (few years ago!)
Letter to God

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a religious woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

"Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter #1:
"Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Leroy"

Leroy knew that wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter #2:
"Dear God,
I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Leroy"

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So he wrote a third letter.

Letter #3:
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!

Thank you,
Leroy"

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

By now Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked as Leroy looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner", Leroy's mother told him.

Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there.

Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Leroy began to write yet another letter to God.

Letter #4:
"God, I've got your mama. If you want to see her again, send the bike!

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO"

by (few years ago!)
THOSE NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY PETS


A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".

As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"

The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."

The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."

The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
#701

by (few years ago!)
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