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Computer jokes

Why did the duck stick his leg into a computer?He wanted to have webbed feet.

by (few years ago!) / 660 views
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Blonde jokes

Want to know how to amuse a blonde for hours? Write please turn over on both sides of the paper!

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Teacher: Fred can you find me Australia on the map please ?Pupil: There it is Teacher: Now, Louise, who discovered Australia ?Pupil: Fred did !

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it.""Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second."You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - Take a clean dish and...."

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".

by (few years ago!)
THE LAST TWO GIFTS OF CREATION


Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Before God had a chance to explain any further, Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to, please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals. I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..." Adam went on and on like an excited little boy who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple orgasms..."

by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

A boy and his blonde date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Suddenly, the blonde stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," said the sultry young blonde. The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

by (few years ago!)
Sports jokes

Kempo: Percussion class with people as the drums
Aikido: Origami with people
Tai Chi: Martial arts overdosed on Valium

"Someone once told me that my Tai Chi would only be useful in fighting NFL replays."

"I once described Tai Chi to my fellow classmates as being just like standing still, only faster."

"The idea of Taiji is to yield to your opponent's attack. In most cases the yielding seems to be so pronounced that the idea must be to play on the opponent's pity."

by (few years ago!)
Under The Influence - Bar Jokes - Amazing Gerbil

A scroungy looking fellow goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "No way; I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy shrugs, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if
I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me
a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't too risque?."
Under The Influence - Bar Jokes - Amazing Gerbil
"Done!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls
out a very large gerbil. He puts the gerbil on the bar and it
scampers down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the
keyboard and starts playing some wonderful Scott Joplin
tunes.

The bartender says, "Truly Amazing! I've never seen anything
like that before. Your furry friend is truly good on the piano."
The fellow grins, downs the drink and asks for another. "Cash,
another miracle or else no drink," says the bartender.

Undaunted, the fellow reaches into his coat again and pulls out
a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing.
He has a marvelous baritone voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

Another patron from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy
and offers him $500 on the spot for the frog. The guy says, "Done,
sir." He takes the five and gives the stranger the frog.

The stranger beats a hasty retreat out of the bar. The bartender
says to the guy, "What are you? Wacko? You sold a singing frog for
just $500? That thing must be worth millions. You're crazy."

"Maybe not...," says the guy, "Considering my friend the gerbil is
also a ventriloquist."

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What do dogs have that no other animal has ?Puppy dogs !

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic.""Well," answered the priest, "thats not a sin.""But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed." "I admit that wasnt good, but you did it for a good cause." "Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..." "What is that, my son?" "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

by (few years ago!)
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