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Dear God: Yesterday was an awful day for me...My husband ran off with his secretary,My son pierced his eyebrow,My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head,My dog mated with the neighbors cat,My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution,My Mom told me I was adopted,My Dad told me hes gay,My boss told me I was laid off,My sister was arrested for prostitution,My house has termites,My car was stolen,All that came in the mail was bills,A plane, crash landed on my garage,OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner,And my TV blew.Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today! But please....DONT LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!!AMENA programmer enters an elevator, wanting to go to the 12th floor.So, he pushes 1, then he pushes 2, and starts looking for the Enter....

by (few years ago!) / 472 views
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Similar Jokes

AN OLD HOCKEY INJURY


Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened. Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

Josh said, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy responded, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television."

by (few years ago!)
YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRUNK WHEN...

• You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

• You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

• Job interfering with your drinking.

• Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

• Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.

• The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

• Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

• 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

• Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

• You can focus better with one eye closed.

• The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

• Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

• Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

• Mosquitoes get a buzz after attacking you

• At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

• Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

• You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

• The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

by (few years ago!)
Essential Disk Care Guide

Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.

Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.

Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks.

A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.

Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text.

Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.

If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes.

This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

The USA finally sent the first manned space mission to Mars. The spacecraft gently touched down and the astronaut descended and tested the atmosphere. Low and behold it was safe for people to breathe. He removed his space suit and exited the spacecraft. He was amazed to find himself in a lush green valley surrounded with beautiful wooded hills. He hiked for some distance and came upon a beautiful little white cottage with a lush green lawn surrounded by a white picket fence like something out of Better Homes and Gardens.

He walked up to the front door and found it open. He walked inside, looked around and hearing noises from the kitchen he went back there. WOW, to his amazement he saw the most beautiful blonde he had ever seen standing over a large pot on the stove. Inside the pot was a gooey mess that she was stirring with a large spoon. As he watched, she kept stirring and stirring.

After a couple of hours, he finally asked her what she was doing. She replied that she was having a baby. He was quite skeptical but after a couple more hours of stirring she reached down into the gooey mess and pulled out a beautiful baby girl. He told her that was really amazing but that was not the way it was done on Earth.

She replied, "How do you do it on Earth?" With a twinkle in his eyes he said, "Come on back to the bedroom and I'll show you." After an hour of the wildest sex he had ever experienced, he lay back exhausted and lit up a cigarette. She said, "Well where is the baby." He said, "Oh that takes nine months."

She replied, "Well, then why did you stop stirring?"

by (few years ago!)
Women jokes

: Why is a modem better than a woman? A: A modem doesnt mind if you talk to other modems. A modem doesnt complain if you sit and play at the computer all night. A modem will sit patiently and wait by the phone. A modem comes with an instruction manual.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

One day, a blonde and her friend were walking through the park. Suddenly, the blondes friend said, "Oh, look, a dead birdie!" The blonde looked up and said, "Where?"

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch ?He was the skipper !

by (few years ago!)
Misc Jokes

There were two Jewish women, Ruth and Golda, walking along the street. Ruth says to Golda, "My son, Irving, is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but he thinks she may have a disease called herpes.

Golda says to Ruth, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"

Ruth answers, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement. It's past time he's settled. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"

"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary at home. I'll look it up and call you."

So Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth "Ruth, keinahurra (thank goodness!), I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles!"

by (few years ago!)
Funny Animal Joke

A leopard went to see an optometrist because he thought he needed an eye exam.

"Every time I look at my wife," he worriedly told the optometrist, "I see spots before my eyes."

"So what's to worry about?" replied the doctor. "You're a leopard, aren't you?"

"What's that got to do with anything?" replied the patient.

"My wife is a zebra

by (few years ago!)
FAILING THE MATH TEST


A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enrol their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behaviour continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.

The boy shook his head and said "No."

"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"

by (few years ago!)
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