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Political jokes

What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?A: A competent liberal President.

by (few years ago!) / 457 views
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Punishment

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.

"What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

What did they call Dracula when he won the league?The champire!

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

What did the ruthless businessman say to his employees? If at first you dont succeed - youre fired!

by (few years ago!)
QUOTES FROM EMPLOYEE APPRAISAL REPORTS

Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

I would not allow this associate to breed.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He would be out of his depth in a puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.

This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

by (few years ago!)
This pill allows you to fly

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

by (few years ago!)
Brave Duck

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"

The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

by (few years ago!)
100 Buckets of Bits



100 Buckets of Bits
100 Buckets of Bits
100 buckets of bits on the bus
100 buckets of bits

Take one down, short it to ground
FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits

Take one down, short it to ground
FE buckets of bits on the bus
...

by (few years ago!)
Blonde Lumberjack

A blonde travels to Canada to seek her
fortune as a lumberjack. She meets a
foreman of a logging organization who
offers to give her a job.

"Now, I hope you realize we expect you
to cut down at least 100 trees a day,"
the foreman told her.

The blonde woman didn't see this as a
problem, so she went out with the
Chainsaw and did her best. She came
back drenched in sweat.

"Geez lady, how many trees did you cut
down?" asked the foreman.
"6" she replied.
"What!? You have to do better than that.
Get up earlier tomorrow!"

So she did. Out she went with the
chainsaw, she came back that night
exhausted.

"How many this time?" asked the foreman.
"12" she said.
The foreman says, "That does it. I'm
coming out there with you tomorrow
morning!"

The next morning, the foreman reaches
the first tree and says, "This is how
to cut down trees really quickly."
He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and
it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUUUMMM.

He notices the blonde is looking at him
frantically, so he asks her what's wrong.

And she replies, "What the hell is that
noise?"

by (few years ago!)
25 Fun Pool Activities

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.

2) Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today.

3) Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.

4) Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.

5) Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.

6) Hit strangers with your flutter board.

7) Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.

8) Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, "Oh yeah.. oooh that feels soooo good.."

9) Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.

10) Swim near someone and go "Shoot! I knew I shouldn't have had so much lemonade before I came here."

11) Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.

12) Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say "HA HA, fooled you!"

13) Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.

14) Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

15) Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.

16) Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

17) Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

18) Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.

19) When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.

20) Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say "Wheee! I'm Batman!" while running around.

21) Hit strangers with your wet towel.

22) Throw people's things into the pool.

23) Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.

24) Play Marco-Polo by yourself.

25) Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

by (few years ago!)
Lying Lawyer

How can you tell when a lawyer is about to lie?

His lips start moving.

by (few years ago!)
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