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Political jokes

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the pathof a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me yourmoney", he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "Hey, watch it - Im a UnitedStates Congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

by (few years ago!) / 881 views
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Email Commandments

E-MAIL COMMANDMENTS

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.

Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.

Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work.

Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose.

When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

And, the Golden Rule of email:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that Ive got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? Ive managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but shes bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that Ive got really bad breath? Ive been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as hes lived with me for a week, hes bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, Ive a c onfession to make."And she says, "So have I, love."To which he replies, "Dont tell me, youve eaten my socks."

by (few years ago!)
Gags For The Office Drone

Run one lap around the office at top speed
Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no-player'must be in the
bathroom at the time)
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to
say I can't talk right now. Bye"
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm,
that feels soooooo good!"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really
prefer it this way"
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.


THREE-POINT GAGS


Say to your boss, "I like your
style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want
to have to repeat it"
Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a
'non-player' within sight).
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.


FIVE POINT GAGS


At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for
once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points
if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation,
turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamacian accent.
As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut
up, damm it, all of you just shut up!"
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never
go hungry again".
In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear
that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about
it"
Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local
resturant. Let him go.
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference
call.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely
surprised when someone points it out.
Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets

by (few years ago!)
top ten least popular self help books

10. "Lie Your Sweet Ass Off And Become A Millionaire"

9. "Choking Coaches For The Soul" by Latrell Sprewell

8. "Combing! The Revolutionary New Way To Adjust Your Hair"

7. "How To Win Friends And Influence People In The Bus Station Men's Room"

6. "If You Want To Lose Weight, Just Stop Eating, You Fat Cow"

5. "George Michael's Do-It-Yourself Handbook"

4. "Five Simple Steps To Reducing All Human Problems To An Over-Generalized Formula"

3. "8 Weeks To A Sweatier You"

2. "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, At Least One Teletubby Is From The West Village"

1. "It's Hopeless" by Jack Kevorkian

by (few years ago!)
Jokes And Funny Stories About Education - 2

"What do you do?" a man asked a pretty girl at a party. "I'm an infant teacher."
"Good gracious! l thought you were at least 26."

by (few years ago!)
Funny Animal Jokes

A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.

His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"

"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."



by (few years ago!)
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

Your honor.

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

What is the meaning of life?All evidence to date suggests its chocolate.

by (few years ago!)
Political jokes

If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?A: Coffee.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?A: All you can eat, under a buck.

by (few years ago!)
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