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There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to the Pope. It was stormy outside, and the plane wasbeing rocked by some severe turbulence. So this kindly old lady looked upon Deaths door, and said to her papal neighbour. Father, surely you can do something about this...To which the Pope replied, Sorry lady, Im in sales, not management.

by (few years ago!) / 576 views
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SPORTS PEOPLE: BASKETBALL; It Was No Joke: The Coach Was Sick

LEAD: One of the first things the Sacramento Kings' coach, Jerry Reynolds, requested after an ambulance took him to an emergency room Tuesday night was a bag of popcorn and a beer. That kind of joking is typical of the popular coach. In fact, Reynolds is so known for his jokes and courtside antics that most of the 16,517 fans who saw him collapse and lose consciousness during the Kings' victory over the Portland Trail Blazers in Sacramento, Calif., Tuesday night thought it was a stunt.

One of the first things the Sacramento Kings' coach, Jerry Reynolds, requested after an ambulance took him to an emergency room Tuesday night was a bag of popcorn and a beer. That kind of joking is typical of the popular coach. In fact, Reynolds is so known for his jokes and courtside antics that most of the 16,517 fans who saw him collapse and lose consciousness during the Kings' victory over the Portland Trail Blazers in Sacramento, Calif., Tuesday night thought it was a stunt. Even his players at first thought Reynolds was joking, and Referee Blaine Reichelt called a technical foul against the Kings, assuming that Reynolds had thrown himself onto the floor to mock an earlier call Reichelt made against the Kings. But the 44-year-old coach wasn't joking when he collapsed during the game. Although there were early fears that Reynolds had suffered a heart attack, the Kings' team physician, Dr. James Castles, said yesterday that Reynolds showed no evidence of a heart attack in tests conducted so far. The doctor also said Reynolds would be released from the hospital this afternoon if his final scheduled heart test, a treadmill study, showed normal results. Castles said that after a controversial foul call against the Kings, Reynolds ''leaped into the air and seemed to get dizzy.'' Reynolds fell face-first onto the arena floor and lost consciousness for about 30 seconds. The game was stopped 10 minutes with 5 minutes 56 seconds left while Castles and other doctors in the arena, including two cardiologists, examined him, attached a heart monitor to his chest and finally placed him on a stretcher. (AP)

by (few years ago!)
A TRIP TO THE CINEMA

A man goes into a cinema with his dog to watch a film. It's a romantic comedy and when there's a funny seen the dog starts laughing. A little later on there's a sad part and suddenly the dog starts crying.

This goes on throughout the entire film, laughing and crying at all the right places. A man sitting a few rows back has witnessed the entire thing and decides to follow the man out.
In the foyer, he approaches the dog owner and says, "That's truly amazing!"

"It certainly is" The dog owner replied, "He hated the book!"

by (few years ago!)
DOG BITES

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"

"No."

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

"That's not my dog

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click.

by (few years ago!)
Misc Jokes

A Canadian, a Russian and an American all wanted to show off to each other so they each bought a new toilet. The Russian bought a wooden toilet, the Canadian bought a marble toilet, and the American bought a musical toilet.

The next day, the Canadian came back to complain and said, "I want a refund. Every time I use the toilet, I slip off of it."

The day after that, the Russian came to complain and said, "I want a refund. Every time I sit on the toilet I get splinters in my bottom."

The next day, the American came and said, "I want a refund. Every time I sit down, I hear my national anthem and I have to stand up."

by (few years ago!)
ARTHUR GUINESS & OTHER STORIES

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."


* * *

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way buddy you're too drunk."

A few minutes later the drunk comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs "give me a drink."

The bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk"

Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says "You're too drunk"

The drunk scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."


* * *

One day, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. "What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

" Yeah, except today is the last night.


* * *

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?"

As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."

She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"

by (few years ago!)
Essential Disk Care Guide

Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.

Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.

Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks.

A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.

Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text.

Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.

If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes.

This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

Which dog is always without a tail?A hot dog.

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, over come with awe at the of sight God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his knees, Adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family. The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, "So, where ya thinking of sending the kid for school?

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didnt do."The mother exclaimed, "But thats terrible! Im going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didnt do?"The little girl replied, "My homework."

by (few years ago!)
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