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Sport jokes

Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?Because he liked sole music!

by (few years ago!) / 530 views
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Religious jokes

The Chief Rabbi and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices a fancy shmancy phone on a side table in the Popes private chambers. "Whats that phone for?" he asks. "Its my direct line to the Lord!" the Pope replies.The Rabbi is doubtful, but the Pope insists that he tries it out and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord and chats away with Him for a while. After he hangs up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for the charges I have used up." The Pope doesnt want to take the money, but finally gives in, checks the counter and says: Allright! The charge was 50,000 Lira.", which the Rabbi gladly pays.A couple of weeks later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Rabbis chambers he sees the identical phone he has with a direct line to the Lord. The Pope asks if he could use it, because there were some urgent matt ers he needed to consult with Him. The Rabbi gladly hands him the phone and the Pope chats away. After he hangs up, he says: "Now I also want to pay for my charges on your phone." The Rabbi looks on the counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!" The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."

by (few years ago!)
Q & A lawyers

Why do lawyers wear tight ties?
So their foreskin doesn't creep up and cover their face.

What's the difference between a dead lawyer on a street and a dead dog on the street?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What's black and brown and look great on lawyers?
Dobermans

What's the difference between a Rooster and a Lawyer?
A rooster clucks defiance.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Why does the American Bar Association prohibit sex between attorneys and their clients?

To prevent the client for being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

Why do they bury lawyers 27 feet under?
'Cuz deep, deep down, they're good people!

What's the difference between a Catfish and a lawyer?
One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.

Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey had first pick.

How can you tell when a lawyer is well hung?
When you can't get your finger between the noose and his neck.

What the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
The prostitute quits after you're dead!
What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
Their lips move.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off it's head

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?
Occasionally a duck will stick its bill up its ass.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.

What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Their personalities.

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

One morning the lion is feeling especially ferocious. He saunters over to a monkey swinging in a tree and roars, "Who's the king of this jungle?" The monkey scampers down from the tree, bows to the lion and stammered, "Wh..wh...why you are Mr. Lion."
A few minutes later, the lion comes across a warthog. He stops in front of the animal and asks, "Who's the baddest dude in this jungle?"
The warthog hid his face in the dirt and whispered, "You're the baddest, King Lion."
This continues all morning long with animal after animal bowing and scraping to the lion. Finally the lion comes across an 80-year-old bull elephant. He bellows at the elephant, "Who's the king of this jungle? Who owns this place?"
With that the elephant wrapped his trunk around the lion's belly. He raised the lion 12 feet in the air and slammed his head against the ground. After that he slammed the lion into a tree on the right and then into another tree on the left. Finally, the elephant swung his trunk and threw the lion 35 feet away where the lion landed in a thorn bush.
As the elephant lumbered down the trail the lion shook his paw and shouted, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get an attitude!"

by (few years ago!)
An Hour Fast

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a beautiful blonde.

"I just got this amazing watch," he tells her, "it can reads alpha waves, and can tell me what a person is thinking."

"What does it say about me?" asked the blonde.

"It says you want to sleep with me." said the man.

"Sorry," said the blonde, "I think your watch is broken."

"Hmmm," said the man slowly examining the watch, "It seems to be running an hour fast..."

by (few years ago!)
Educational jokes:

A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher: Teacher: Morning Tommy, and why weren't you at school yesterday? Tommy: Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt. Teacher: Oh Dear, he wasn't too badly hurt I hope? Tommy: Oh yes Miss, they don't screw around at those crematoriums.

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What do you get if you cross a dog with a kangaroo?A dog that has somewhere to put its own lead !

by (few years ago!)
AT A CROWDED BUS STOP ONE DAY

In the city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

by (few years ago!)
A NEW NAVIGATION TECHNIQUE


There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out.

He began circling around looking for a landmark. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with a guy working alone on the fifth floor. He banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?"

The man replies, "You're in an airplane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to perform a perfect blind landing on the airport runway 5 miles away.
Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.

"Quite easy," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one morestep a car will run over you and you will die."The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him."Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?""I am your guardian angel," the voice answered."Oh yeah?" the man asked..."And where were you when I got married?"A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: "Come and bury my wife.""But I buried your wife ten years ago," replied the undertaker."I got married again," the man sobbed."Oh," said the undertaker. "Congratulations."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde on an Airplane

There monce was a blonde who got on a airplane. She sits down and waits to lift off. She looks around and sees that everyone is clam, so she stays clam. Then they were in the air. 5 minutes later, the pilot comes on the speaker and says, "I'm sorry but we have just been informed that we have just lost one of our pellets, so we are going to be in the air longer" So the blonde looks around and sees that everyone in clam, so she stays clam.

5 minutes later the pilot comes on again and says, "I'm sorry, but we have just been informed that we just lost another pellet, so we are going to be in the air a little longer" So the blonde looks around and sees that everyone is clam, so she stays clam.

5 minutes later the pilot comes on again and says, "I'm sorry, but we have just been informed that we have just lost another pellet, so we are going to be in the air a little longer" So then the blonde stands up and everyone is looking at her, and she says, "If we lose another pellet, we are going to be in the air forever"


A JOKE TOLD BY BECCA

by (few years ago!)
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