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Sport jokes

Whats the chilliest ground in the premiership ?Cold Trafford !

by (few years ago!) / 552 views
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Filthy Language

A Catholic Priest and a Nun were out having a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said, "Shit, I missed."
Sister Marie told him to watch his language. At the next swing he missed again, "Shit, I missed." "Father, what filthy language! I am not going to play with you if you keep swearing."
The priest promises to do better.
At the next tee he misses again, usual reply, "Shit, I missed." Sister
Marie is really mad now and says, "Father, God is going to strike You
dead if you keep swearing like that." At the next tee, the priest
misses, swears, "Shit, I missed." Out of the sky comes a gigantic bolt
of lighting, which strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
Then the skies open up and a big booming voice says, "Shit, I missed."

by (few years ago!)
Sleeping in Church

Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells:IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Why are blondes like corn flakes?A: Because theyre simple, easy and they taste good

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper."Steve," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers."To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. Im sure youll miss your mother being gone."

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

by (few years ago!)
kid jokes

A Tourist was driving down a country road in Kentucky when he saw a little boy walking down the road with only one shoe on.
He stopped and said, "What's the matter son? Did you lose a shoe?"
The boy says, "Nope! Just found one."

by (few years ago!)
Microsoft support

A Microsoft support man goes to a firing range. He shoots 10 bullets at the target 50m away.

Then the supervisors check the target and see that there`s not even a single hit, and they shout to him that he missed completely.

So he tells them to recheck, and gets the same answer.

Then he put his finger at the top of the gun and shoots, blasting off his finger.

When he saw it he shouted back, I don`t know, it`s working perfectly here, the problem must be yours

by (few years ago!)
computer jokes

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat

Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.nodarn.good/tryagain\again/again.darnit

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Turkey is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 2000. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes beer booze and fun

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?" The bartender quickly replies -, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?A. From chasing parked ambulances.

by (few years ago!)
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