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Sport jokes

Whats the chilliest ground in the premiership ?Cold Trafford !

by (few years ago!) / 635 views
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A FORGETFUL BARTENDER

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way.

by (few years ago!)
Educational jokes:

Little Jimmy was a very rude boy who, given any opportunity, would embarrass his teacher. One day, during an OFSTED inspection, Jimmy's teacher told the class that they were going to do some impressions of different animals. However, feeling aware that Jimmy would use this opportunity to be extremely rude and to show her up, she decided to leave him until last. Emma did a marvellous impression of a cow, David did one of a pig, while other children did their own interpretations of donkeys, dogs, cats, parrots etc. Eventually, the teacher could avoid Jimmy no longer and reluctantly allowed him to do his impression. However, she felt that there could not possibly be any animals left, about which Jimmy could be rude or obscene.

"I'm going to do the mating cry of the deep-sea oyster," explained Jimmy.

That doesn't sound too bad thought the teacher.

At this point Jimmy stuck his head between his two hands and shouted "ANYONE FANCY A SHAG?"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Where do you look for blondes obituaries?A: Under "Home Improvements."

by (few years ago!)
The top ten signs that your co-worker is a computer hacker

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

by (few years ago!)
Waterfowl Issue

In a software design meeting, they were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One engineer said the programming that had been ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe non-linear waterfowl issue."

Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?"

The engineer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

"Well, Mrs. OConnor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. OConnor. "Shure now, we have a carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. OConnor, looking puzzled. "Oim always first out of bed." Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "What Im trying to find out are what grounds you have." "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds." "Mrs. OConnor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. "What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure its because the man cant hold an intelligent conversation."

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle?Somebody took a corner!

by (few years ago!)
BILL AND THE PEARLY GATES


Bill Gates dies and is at the pearly gates talking with Saint Peter. Saint Peter says, "Bill, you've done some wonderful things in your life and have earned the right to choose where you'll spend the rest of eternity. You can choose between Heaven or Hell, but choose wisely."

Bill looks over Saint Peter's shoulder between the pearly gates and sees nothing but a lush green meadow. Deciding to heed Saint Peter's words, Bill asks if he could take a look at Hell. Saint Peter agrees and sends Bill to Hell.

The Devil greets Bill at the gates of Hell and he is immediately taken aback. Much to his surprise, there's one heck of a party going on. People are dancing, the alcohol is flowing, music is non-stop and everyone is having a blast.

Bill returns to Heaven to again discuss his decision with Saint Peter. He again looks over Saint Peter's shoulder and sees only a lush green meadow. Bill says to Saint Peter, "I've put a lot of thought into this decision and it may sound foolish, but I'd like to spend the rest of eternity in Hell." Saint Peter fulfills Bill's request and returns him to Hell.

When Bill gets back to Hell there's been a big change. People are writhing in agony, flames are burning, moans of pain and despair are everywhere. Bill, being quite shocked at the sight asks the Devil, "What happened?? I was just down here a little while ago and everyone was having a great time!"

The Devil says, "Oh that... That was just the demol

by (few years ago!)
The computer prayer

Our Morning Prayer . . .

Our Hard Drive

Which art internal

Volume C by name;

Thy code be clean,

Thy fonts be seen

On screen as they are on paper.

Give us this day our documents,

And lead us not into fragmentation

But deliver us our data.

For thine is the SCSI,

And the EISA, and the NuBus,

Forever and Ever,

Amen.

by (few years ago!)
computer jokes

A friend of mine had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they would take up less room.

When he told me, I was with another friend. She, a blonde, thought it was a good idea too!

by (few years ago!)
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