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What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game?Sorry, it was a freak hic!

by (few years ago!) / 699 views
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Dear God...

Dear God,

Yesterday was an awful day for me..

My husband ran off with his secretary.
My son pierced his eyebrow.
My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head.
My dog mated with the neighbours cat.
My neighbour sold her house to a mental institution.
My Mom told me I was adopted.
My boss told me I was laid off.
My sister was arrested for prostitution.
My house has termites.
My car was stolen.
All that came in the mail was bills.
A plane crash landed on my garage.
OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner.
And my TV blew.

Lord, please be with me today.

I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today!

But please.... DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!

by (few years ago!)
Priestly Duties

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.

Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''

''No, I guess not,'' says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''

To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?Q. They think their picture is being taken.

by (few years ago!)
Misc Jokes

Little Mikey is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Little Mikey to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Mikey didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, said, "Why? Mikey, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."

Mikey thinks that's really neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Little Mikey's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Mikey runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!"

His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"

"Uncle Bob is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming, 'Oh God, I'm coming'."

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What goes "krab, krab, krab"? - A: A dog barking in a mirror.

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Teacher: Whats the longest word in the English language ?Pupil: Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes beer booze and fun

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.First Blonde: "I cant seem to get this door unlocked!Second Blonde: Well you better hurry up. Its starting to rain and the top is down!

by (few years ago!)
Jokes & Funny Stories About Blondes - 4

One time this blonde girl was at a vending machine. She would stick a quarter in, push the button, and a soda would come out and she would put it on the top. She did this a few more times before a man asked why she kept doing this, and she said, "Because I'm winning."

by (few years ago!)
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