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Women jokes

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and youre going to want to shoot it.

by (few years ago!) / 1401 views
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YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRUNK WHEN...


• You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

• You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

• Job interfering with your drinking.

• Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

• Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.

• The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

• Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

• 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

• Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

• You can focus better with one eye closed.

• The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

• Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

• Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

• Mosquitoes get a buzz after attacking you

• At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

• Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

• You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

• The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

Why dont lawyers enjoy playing golf?Because its too much like work, what with all of the lying involved.

by (few years ago!)
Top 20 Signs It's a Bad Day

You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
You see a ''60 minutes'' news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
Your paycheck bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your wife says, ''Good morning, Bill'' and your name is George.

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes beer booze and fun

A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didnt smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.In the bar he saw the local jock of the towns football team He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend.The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, "Buddy, if she went out with me, shed never go out with you ever again."To which the local jock replied Hey buddy, if she went out with you shed never go out with ANYONE ever again

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

Two men are having an awfully slow round ofgolf because the two ladies in front of themmanaged to get into every sand trap, lake, andrough on the course, and they didnt bother towave the men on through, which is proper golfetiquette.After two hours of waiting and waiting, one mansaid, "I think Ill walk up there and ask thosegals to let us play through." He walked out tothe fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped,turned around and came back, explaining, "I cantdo it. One of those women is my wife and the otheris my mistress. Maybe youd better go talk to them."The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfwaythere and, just as his partner had done, stopped,turned around and walked back.He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small World!"

by (few years ago!)
Self Help

When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that, probably, the printer only needed to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

by (few years ago!)
A PARTICULARLY HARD


A nun dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter says to her, "I'm sure you've lead a virtuous life, Sister, but before I can let you into heaven, you must answer one question. What," asks St. Peter,"were Eve's first words when she saw Adam?"

"Boy," says the nun, "that's a hard one."

"That's right!" says St. Peter, and the pearly gates open wide

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What should you do if you see a vicious dog?Hope he doesnt see you.

by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job," he said and handed the blonde man a check. "Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the misses out to dinner and a movie."

Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten some painting equipment the homeowner asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"

"Nope," replied the blonde painter. "I'm just here to take your misses out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

ttle Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today." The first student raised her hand to volunteer. "Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first." Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny." The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?" Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie." "Very good," the teacher told Kevin. Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..." nBefore he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again. Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next. Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."

by (few years ago!)
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