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Women jokes

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and youre going to want to shoot it.

by (few years ago!) / 1453 views
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ANY LAST REQUESTS


Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "firel

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes beer booze and fun

A guy walked into a bar and said "Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender." But when it was time to pay, the guy didnt have the money, so the bartender beat him up. The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldnt pay. Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!" The bartender said "Why?" The guy replyed "Youre violent when youre drunk!"

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

When Joes wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isnt worth living. I think Im gonna top myself.""Dont be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet Im happy.""How?" asked Joe."Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do?""I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.

by (few years ago!)
SO YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH

A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?"

The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"

The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? - A: It stole the show!

by (few years ago!)
ARTHUR GUINESS & OTHER STORIES

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."


* * *

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way buddy you're too drunk."

A few minutes later the drunk comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs "give me a drink."

The bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk"

Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says "You're too drunk"

The drunk scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."


* * *

One day, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. "What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

" Yeah, except today is the last night.


* * *

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?"

As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."

She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"

by (few years ago!)
Political jokes

Democrats favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street." Republicans favorite Christmas movie is "Its a Wonderful Life." Right-Wing Republicans favorite Christmas movie is "Die Hard."

by (few years ago!)
THE UNLUCKY PIRATE

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean? I'm fine."

"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"

"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What did the blonde do when she found out she was pregnant with triplets?A: She went looking for the three guys

by (few years ago!)
Sports jokes

Jaques, a French World Cup Rugby superstar, is jogging down a street in London when he sees a building on fire. An old lady trembles over a third story ledge holding her pet kitten in her arms.

"Hey, Madame!" yells Jaques, "Throw ze pussy to moi!" "No," she cries, "It's much too far!"

"I ham ze star player for France in ze World Cup Rugby - I vill cache 'im!"

The smoke is pouring from the windows and, finally, the woman waves to Jaques, kisses her kitten goodbye, and tosses it down into the street.

Jaques keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The kitten obliquely bounces off an awning and Jaques runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd, gathered to watch the fire, breaks into cheers.

Jaques does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, and then drop kicks the kitten 85 meters down the street.

by (few years ago!)
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