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Women jokes

Why havent Women landed on the Moon? - Because it doesnt need cleaning yet!

by (few years ago!) / 592 views
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A DIFFERENT KIND OF TOUCHDOWN


An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After lying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says "seven points."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 7 to nothing."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie, score."

After about ten minutes later the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score." The old man strains really hard but, to no avail he can't fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more.

Straining, the old man tries so hard he poops in the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes beer booze and fun

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. Ones for me and ones for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh, sure. He can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "Thats amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.The bartender is in total shock. "Thats amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?" The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time w e were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctors powers!"

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

Larrys barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurancecompany ...Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesnt work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.Susan, after a pause: Id like to cancel the policy on my husband

by (few years ago!)
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

by (few years ago!)
Fishing For a Sale

A keen country lad applied for a
salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world -
you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman
before?"

Yes, I was a salesman in the
country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can
start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the
young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked,
"How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young
salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30
sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand
dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the
flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold
him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him
a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down the coast.

I said he would probably need a boat, so
I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the
twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took
him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked
in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman
"He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's
shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer In Heaven (Classic)

A mechanical engineer died & went to heaven. Upon arrival Saint Peter checked "THE BOOK" and didn't find his name, so he informed the engineer that he must get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS.

Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he requested a large number of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldn't find, they would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner, which, when completed, cooled hell off only a few degrees.

Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials, with which he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the cooling effect of his air conditioner. Hell was getting much cooler now and folks were beginning to almost enjoy it.

About a month later the red phone rang. The devil answered, and found that God was on the other end of the line.

"Remember that mechanical engineer we sent down about 4 months ago?" God queried.

"Hell yes, I remember!" Said the devil.

"Well, Saint Peter missed that man's name on the last page of our book because the page was stuck to the one in front of it. So I want you to send the engineer back UPSTAIRS, as is our agreement. If they're on THE BOOK, then they stay UPHERE and if not, they go DOWNSTAIRS." God exclaimed!

"I'll be damned if your going to get that engineer back. He's put in an air conditioner and a sprinkler system down here and folks are almost happy to be here. I expect that when some folks hear about this they may begin to request to be sent DOWNSTAIRS!" said the devil.

"Now look here! We have an agreement! In the book---UPSTAIRS and not in the book---DOWNSTAIRS!! If you don't send that engineer back right away I believe I'll have to sue you!!!" shouted God!!

"And just where do you think you'll get an attorney?" replied the devil!!!!!





by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

Where do footballers dance?At a football!

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

Got this email from a friend: CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

How does a blonde high-5?A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes beer booze and fun

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the mans friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing."Whats so funny?" the bartender asked."That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "Hes so drunk, he thinks hes me!"

by (few years ago!)
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