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Marriage jokes

The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?"The husband looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued, "hes been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even thats not worth so much celebrating!"

by (few years ago!) / 552 views
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Religious jokes

How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish?A. When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him.

by (few years ago!)
Jokes & Funny Stories About Blondes

A selection of jokes and funny stories about blondes.

by (few years ago!)
Men Vs. Women Jokes

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

Why do computer teachers never get sick?Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

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Business jokes

What do you call a credit union volunteer in a room full of bank directors superiorb being.

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IS THAT YOUR DOG?

A timid little man, walked into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

by (few years ago!)
How to Write Good - Part II

One-word sentences? Eliminate.

17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

18. The passive voice is to be avoided.

19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

21. Who needs rhetorical questions?

22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

23. Don't never use a double negation.

24. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

25. Do not put statements in the negative form.

26. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

27. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

28. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

29. A writer must not shift your point of view.

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing inTransylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, outof nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the carand hisses at them through the windshield."Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should wedo?""Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of theabomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock themini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissingat the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts."Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy waterbefore we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. Thevampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs onand continues hissing at the nuns."Now what?" shouts Sis ter Mary Agnes."Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent."Now youre talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She thenopens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off our car!"

by (few years ago!)
educational jokes

Teacher: What’s the outside layer
of a tree called, Tommy?
Tommy: Don’t Know.
Teacher: Bark, Tommy.
Tommy: Woof, Woof.

by (few years ago!)
Sports jokes

Two boys were playing football in Golden Gate Park when one was attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who was walking by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But, I'm not a Niners' fan," the boy replied.

"Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again.

"No, I'm not a Raiders' fan either," the boy said.

"Then what are you?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys' fan." replied the boy.

The reporter turns to a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet."

by (few years ago!)
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