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Marriage jokes

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

by (few years ago!) / 574 views
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ARRIVING AT THE PEARLY GATES


Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type establishment.

The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations."

St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer.

by (few years ago!)
A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR... OUCH!


A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the toilets. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!"

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

by (few years ago!)
You Might Be An Engineering Major

1. If you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.

2. If you enjoy pain.

3. If you know vector calculus but you cant remember how to do long division.

4. If you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."

5. If youve actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

6. If it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

7. If you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."

8. If you always do homework on Friday nights.

9. If you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.

10. If you think in "math."

11. If youve calculated that the World Series actually diverges.

12. If you hesitate to look at something because you dont want to break down its wave function.

13. If you have a pet named after a scientist.

14. If you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

15. If the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodingers Cat experiment.

16. If you can translate English into Binary.

17. If you cant remember whats behind the door marked "exit" in the computing center.

18. If you have to bring a jacket with you in the middle of summer because theres a wind-chill factor in the lab.

19. If you are completely addicted to caffeine.

20. If you avoid doing anything because you dont want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

21. If you consider ANY non-science course "easy."

22. If when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.

23. If the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.

24. If youll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.

by (few years ago!)
Zoo jokes

Why did the Irishman buy two tickets to the zoo? One to get in and one to get out.

by (few years ago!)
THE BAD NEWS AND THE REALLY BAD NEWS


A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face, some even look a little frightened and Clinton isn't in the room.

"What's the matter" he asked

"Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news"

"What's the bad news?"

"India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is warning them both that this could lead to regional war, that may go nuclear."

"Oh my God, what could be worse than that?"

"Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra"

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.

by (few years ago!)
Jokes And Funny Stories About Marriage - 6

A man had a wife who was a terrible cook - she just served frozen food day after day. Eventually the husband went to his doctor and explained his problem. 'And what's the trouble?' asked the doctor. 'Ulcers?' 'No, frostbite.'

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins? A: She couldnt figure out who the other mother was

by (few years ago!)
Blonde on an Airplane

There monce was a blonde who got on a airplane. She sits down and waits to lift off. She looks around and sees that everyone is clam, so she stays clam. Then they were in the air. 5 minutes later, the pilot comes on the speaker and says, "I'm sorry but we have just been informed that we have just lost one of our pellets, so we are going to be in the air longer" So the blonde looks around and sees that everyone in clam, so she stays clam.

5 minutes later the pilot comes on again and says, "I'm sorry, but we have just been informed that we just lost another pellet, so we are going to be in the air a little longer" So the blonde looks around and sees that everyone is clam, so she stays clam.

5 minutes later the pilot comes on again and says, "I'm sorry, but we have just been informed that we have just lost another pellet, so we are going to be in the air a little longer" So then the blonde stands up and everyone is looking at her, and she says, "If we lose another pellet, we are going to be in the air forever"


A JOKE TOLD BY BECCA

by (few years ago!)
EVEN MORE BIZARRE REAL LIFE ANIMAL LAWS

Cats in International Falls, Minnesota, are not allowed to chase dogs up telephone poles.

If your dog gets your neighbor's dog pregnant in Danbury, Connecticut, you are responsible and must pay for the abortion if the neighbor chooses to have it done.

No dog may be tied to a shade tree in Birmingham, Alabama.

An ordinance in Belvedere, California, states "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

Another misworded ordinance is this one from Arvada, Colorado: "If a stray pet is not claimed within 24 hours, the owner will be destroyed."

Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North Carolina.

In Sterling, Colorado, it is unlawful to allow a pet cat to run loose without a taillight.

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

Cats living in Cresskill, New Jersey, must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts.

A Fountain Inn, South Carolina, law once required horses to wear pants at all times. But carriage horses in Charleston, South Carolina, were required to wear diapers.

In Calgary, Canada, a by-law requires businesses within the city to provide rails for tying up horses.

In Winona, MS, it is illegal to drive a car on Main Street because it frightens horses.

In Wilbur, Washington, it is against the law for a person to "ride an ugly horse" - the fine is $300!

If you live in California, you cannot keep your chickens, turkeys, goats, cows, and other farm animals in an apartment.

In Cumberland, Maryland, you cannot keep your chickens with you in your hotel room.

In Minnesota, it's illegal to tease skunks.

In Atlanta, it's against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or a street lamp.

Riding a camel on a highway in Nevada is against the law. Over in Galveston, Texas, it is against the law for camels to wander the streets unattended.

In Arizona, it is illegal to shoot or hunt camels.

It's illegal to take a deer swimming in water above its knees in North Carolia

by (few years ago!)
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