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Marriage jokes

"You and your husband dont seem to have an awful lot incommon," said the new tenants neighbor. "Why on earthdid you get married?""I suppose it was the old business of opposites attract,"was the reply. "He wasnt pregnant and I was."

by (few years ago!) / 635 views
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Jokes And Funny Stories About Marriage

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Pupil: I dont think I deserved zero on this test!Teacher: I agree, but thats the lowest mark I could give you!

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

How does a blonde hemophiliac treat herself?A: Acupuncture.

by (few years ago!)
THE SINGING BULLFROG

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, which begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his free drinks, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to £250,000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere £500,000!"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

by (few years ago!)
Funny Animal Jokes

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful, she had to sleep in cold back alleys where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.

A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. Earth was no better for them than it was the cat.

They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.

One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.

by (few years ago!)
Dr. Doctor

Two doctors opened an office in a small town.

They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.

Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."

But is was still not good! So they tried:

"Minds and Behinds"

"Analysis and Anal Cysts"

"Nuts and Butts"

"Freaks and Cheeks"

"Loons and Moons"

"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"

None worked.

Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:

"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."

APPROVED!

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

How did the dog make gold soup?He put in 24 carrots.

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.The rabbi told him he wouldnt know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and hed stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, Father, forgive me for I have sinned.The priest asks, What did you do?The woman says, I committed adultery.The priest says, How many times? And the woman replies, Three.Priest: Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, Father forgive me for I have sinned.What did you do?I committed adultery. r How many times?Three times.The priest says, Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks hes got it, so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, Father, forgive me for I have sinned.The rabbi says, What did you do?The woman replies, I committed adultery.The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, How many times?The woman replies, Once.The rabbi said, Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

Why did God create a man before a women?You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

by (few years ago!)
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