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Marriage jokes

"You and your husband dont seem to have an awful lot incommon," said the new tenants neighbor. "Why on earthdid you get married?""I suppose it was the old business of opposites attract,"was the reply. "He wasnt pregnant and I was."

by (few years ago!) / 694 views
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Business jokes

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Arnold was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said hed have to withhold ten percent of Arnolds wages to pay for the repairs. "How much will it cost?" asked Arnold. "About $4,500," said the owner. "What a relief!" exclaimed Arnold. Ive finally got job security!"

by (few years ago!)
A MISCALCULATION AT THE PEARLY GATES


Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."

"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

by (few years ago!)
Misc Jokes

Dear Abby,
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

by (few years ago!)
EVEN MORE BLONDE QUESTIONS ANSWERED

What do you call a blonde with half a brain ?
Gifted!

How do blonde braincells die?
Alone.

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.

How do you brainwash a blonde?
Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.

Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
Because they can't even keep two calves together!

Nothing. They've never met.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
After a dye job.

Why did God create blondes?
Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
To turn the blinker off.

Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch everything that goes over their heads.

by (few years ago!)
THE GOOD SAMARITAN

A Good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?"
"Yep!"

"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"

"Yep."

When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?"

"Yep."

Then the Good Samaritan got to think that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs.

However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?"
"Yep."

"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"

"Yep."

So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk, Then went back downstairs.

To his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over toward him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, save me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

A blonde comes home from a day of shopping and discovers that her house is on fire, so she calls the fire department on her cell phone. "Please state the nature of your emergency," says the operator."Help! My house is on fire!" the blonde replies."Okay, where do you live?""In a house you silly billy!" the blonde replies."No,no! How do we get there?" the operator asks fustratedly."Duh! Big Red Truck!!"

by (few years ago!)
Women jokes

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.

by (few years ago!)
WHILE DINING AT THE COUNTRY CLUB


A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.

The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff.

Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.

The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff.

The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.

The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!" Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff.

Bullshit immediately sodomised the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

by (few years ago!)
Bill Clinton, a limo driver, and a pig

One day, Bill Clinton decided to go for a ride in his limo. He was tired of the city, so he told his limo driver to take him to the country.

They drove around for hours, and it soon became late. The driver was geting rather tired and found it difficult to keep his eyes open.

Suddenly, the limo hit a huge bump and and the two men heard a terrible scream.

The limo driver stopped the car immediatly to see what had happened. Bill Clinton soon got out of the car also, to investigate.

"What happened?!" asked Bill.

"I ran over a pig," replied his driver.

Bill Clinton looked horrified.
"Well go over to that farmhouse and tell them what you did. That pig could have been their's."

So the driver walked over to the farmhouse and knocked on the door.
Bill Clinton waited in the limo for nearly 2 and a half hours.

Finally, the limo driver came back and got back into the car. Bill Clinton, infuriated that his driver had left him alone for so long, demanded to know where he had been.

"Do you know how long you've been gone?! What happened up there?" he asked.

The limo driver, happily confused, replied, "Those people up there threw me a huge party."

Bill Clinton, confused himself, asked, "What? Why?"

The limo driver started up his car and answered, "I told them I was driving Bill Clinton around, and I ran over the pig."

by (few years ago!)
Blaming all of Americas troubles on lawyers

A group of dinner guests were blaming all of Americas troubles on lawyers when a woman said, They arent all so bad. Why, last year a lawyer gave me $1000.
I dont believe it, the host responded.

Its true, I swear it, said the woman. I had a complicated personal injury case and what with the lawyers fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal and so on, my bill was $41,000. When the judgment only amounted to $40,000, my lawyer simply forgave the difference.

by (few years ago!)
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