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Mothers were describing the virtues of their children

Three proud mothers were describing the virtues of their children. The first said, My daughter, the surgeon, has invented a new artificial liver that has saved the lives of countless patients.

The second proudly proclaimed, My son, the physicist, has developed a new energy source capable of heating thousands of homes with absolutely no pollution.

That is nothing, replied the third, my son the lawyer has discovered a new accounting system that allows him to bill clients for the time he spends on the golf course!

by (few years ago!) / 627 views
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THE BAD NEWS AND THE REALLY BAD NEWS


A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face, some even look a little frightened and Clinton isn't in the room.

"What's the matter" he asked

"Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news"

"What's the bad news?"

"India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is warning them both that this could lead to regional war, that may go nuclear."

"Oh my God, what could be worse than that?"

"Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra"

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Blonde jokes

What kinds of people dont get invited to blonde parties? A: Women!

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That's Not Your Name

It was the first day of the school year and the teacher was asking her first grade students their names. "What is your name?" she asked a little boy in the first row.
"Peter Break," the little boy gleefully answered.

The teacher said, "Young man, I don't think that's your name. Now, what is your real name?"

Again, the little boy responded, "Peter Break."

Frustrated, the teacher went to the principal's office and asked, "Mr. Jones, do we have a Peter Break here?"

The principal replied, "Heck, we don't even have time for a coffee break here!"

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Blonde jokes

When a blonde goes to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat ?Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row

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AN ACCOUNTANT FOR THE MOB


There was this man that was an accountant for the mob. He happened to be deaf and mute. While working for the mob he collected over 500,000 dollars by stealing from the books.

The mob boss finds out about this and sends two hitmen to his house. Since the accountant was deaf and mute his brother translated what his brother said.

Hitman: where is the money?

Accountant signs he does not know

Brother: he said he does not know

Hitman: tell us where the money is or we will kill your wife and kids, burn down your house, and castrate you!

Accountant signs fast and furiously that the money is in a safe that is hidden in the floorboard of his closet and gives the combination.

Hitman: what did he say?

Brother: you don't have the balls!

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THE COMPLETE PUZZLE

Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously celebratory mood that the bartender drifts over intending to offer them a drink on the house.

When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!"

Smiling, the bartender says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?"

Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"


by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Complaint letter from Aimee:

Us blonds at the offise are sew tired of awl of the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supreme cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.

We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so offen a read head joke.

If we don't get our way, we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.

Sined by the blonds at the offise

(Pleese sine with a pensil so you can erace it if you make a mistake.)

by (few years ago!)
Funny Animal Jokes


A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her.

"You've led a long and good life" the genie said, "I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen."

The old lady was surprised but cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. "Ok" she said, "turn all those dirty dishes into money." With that there was a big Poof! and the dishes had turned into a big pile of cash.

"My" said the old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, "Perhaps you could make me look young and beautiful again?" There was another big poof and the woman now looked lots younger and was very good looking. Excitedly she carried on, "Can you turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?"

Once more there was a big Poof, and the cat was replaced by a handsome young man. Smiling devilishly she turned to the young man and said "At last! Now I want to make love with you for the rest of the day and all night too!"

The young man just looked at her for moment then replied in a high pitched voice, "Well you should have thought about that before you took me to the vet's shouldn't you!"

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Bill Clinton, a limo driver, and a pig

One day, Bill Clinton decided to go for a ride in his limo. He was tired of the city, so he told his limo driver to take him to the country.

They drove around for hours, and it soon became late. The driver was geting rather tired and found it difficult to keep his eyes open.

Suddenly, the limo hit a huge bump and and the two men heard a terrible scream.

The limo driver stopped the car immediatly to see what had happened. Bill Clinton soon got out of the car also, to investigate.

"What happened?!" asked Bill.

"I ran over a pig," replied his driver.

Bill Clinton looked horrified.
"Well go over to that farmhouse and tell them what you did. That pig could have been their's."

So the driver walked over to the farmhouse and knocked on the door.
Bill Clinton waited in the limo for nearly 2 and a half hours.

Finally, the limo driver came back and got back into the car. Bill Clinton, infuriated that his driver had left him alone for so long, demanded to know where he had been.

"Do you know how long you've been gone?! What happened up there?" he asked.

The limo driver, happily confused, replied, "Those people up there threw me a huge party."

Bill Clinton, confused himself, asked, "What? Why?"

The limo driver started up his car and answered, "I told them I was driving Bill Clinton around, and I ran over the pig."

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Blonde jokes

Why did the blonde write "TGIF" on her shoes?A. To remind her that "toes go in first."

by (few years ago!)
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