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Mothers were describing the virtues of their children

Three proud mothers were describing the virtues of their children. The first said, My daughter, the surgeon, has invented a new artificial liver that has saved the lives of countless patients.

The second proudly proclaimed, My son, the physicist, has developed a new energy source capable of heating thousands of homes with absolutely no pollution.

That is nothing, replied the third, my son the lawyer has discovered a new accounting system that allows him to bill clients for the time he spends on the golf course!

by (few years ago!) / 640 views
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Women jokes

Why did the women cross the road? Well thats not the point what is she doing out of the kitchen?!!!

by (few years ago!)
BEER TROUBLE SHOOTING GUIDE

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself latched to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to rest room, practice in front of mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender before departure.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth with bag.

SYMPTOM: Consciousness regained without recollection of how you got there.
FAULT: Probable time and/or space warp.
ACTION: Ask bartender for another Beer



by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

Recently one Congressman from a Bible belt congressional district was asked about his attitude toward whiskey.

The politician responded, "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it."

He continued, "But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18-room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?"

The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."

by (few years ago!)
So a murderer walks into a bar...

I'm not actually sure why this bugs me more than the general MeFi snark, but the general internet tendency to make jokes about this murder trial while it's a current event has always left a bad taste in my mouth.

Am I being unneccessarily prudish? Where's the line? Does this cross it?

by (few years ago!)
A blonde comes home and finds her mom dead ...

A blonde comes home and finds her mom dead on the floor.
But she goes to work, and starts crying and her boss asks, "What's wrong?"

She says, "Well, my mom died."
He told her to go home but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
About an hour later her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
And she says, "Well, I just talked to my sister, and her mom died too!"

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What is brown and gray, has eight legs, and is carrying a large trunk and a small trunk? A Chihuahua on vacation with an elephant.

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

How did the basketball court get wet?The players dribbled all over it!

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Whats the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?A: The blonde works in the dark!

by (few years ago!)
Something to Offend Everyone

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog! is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

by (few years ago!)
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