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Blonde jokes

Whats a blondes idea of natural childbirth?No make-up.

by (few years ago!) / 472 views
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Piano Monkey

At a piano bar in downtown New York City. The pianist sends his monkey down the bar to collect dollars and change everytime he plays a different melody on his piano.

A drunkard walks up to the bar, and orders a fresh mug of beer.The pianist just finishing another piano number. Send his monkey down the bar to collect tips. As the piano monkey makes his way down the bar. He stops and takes a piss directly into the drunkards beer. So the drunkard then walks over to the piano where the pianist is playing.He then slams his beer down onto the piano,and says Do you know your monkey just pissed in my beer??? The pianist replies Well if you recite a few lines I might be able to pick it up

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesnt run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Its because yer feet aint empty."

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

Whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irishfuneral?One less drunk.

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, Ive decided Im going to be a minister when I grow up. "Thats okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?" "Well," the boy replied, "Ill have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for
Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

by (few years ago!)
Essay By Johnny

One day at the end of class Little Johnnys teacher asks the students to go home and think of a story, to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Dont keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Dont count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was Little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Dont screw with uncle Ted when hes been drinking."

by (few years ago!)
Men Vs. Women Jokes

Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.

by (few years ago!)
ALL IN THE NAME OF LOVE

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis. Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y

Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis.
The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?"

The Jamaican replied, "No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Teacher: What happened to your homework? Pupil: I made it into a paper plane and someone hijacked it.

by (few years ago!)
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BOSS

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

by (few years ago!)
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