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Blonde jokes

This blonde is so stupid, she called me to get my telephone number!

by (few years ago!) / 540 views
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Ten Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

Who is the dogs favourite comedian ?Growlcho Marx !

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noti...

by (few years ago!)
AN ACCOUNTANT FOR THE MOB


There was this man that was an accountant for the mob. He happened to be deaf and mute. While working for the mob he collected over 500,000 dollars by stealing from the books.

The mob boss finds out about this and sends two hitmen to his house. Since the accountant was deaf and mute his brother translated what his brother said.

Hitman: where is the money?

Accountant signs he does not know

Brother: he said he does not know

Hitman: tell us where the money is or we will kill your wife and kids, burn down your house, and castrate you!

Accountant signs fast and furiously that the money is in a safe that is hidden in the floorboard of his closet and gives the combination.

Hitman: what did he say?

Brother: you don't have the balls!

by (few years ago!)
SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE A LIBERAL

You paid $500,000.00 for a beer keg once used by John F. Kennedy.

You protested American intervention in Vietnam, but support American intervention in Haiti, Somalia, and Bosnia.

Upon hearing that President Clinton committed a rape and murder as part of Whitewater, you replied, "So what?"

If the years 1966 through 1974 are vague memories because of the effects of drug abuse.

You think Hillery Clinton is, "A babe."

You think that a naval aircraft carrier should be named after George McGovern, but then you remember that one aircraft carrier could feed a million starving children for a year.

You are against sexual harrasment except when committed by Senator Kennedy.

You think people who make above minimun wage are rich and should be taxed at 90 percent.

You are not shocked when someone says "F---" but are profoundly shocked when someone says "N---".

Upon hearing of anything bad that has happened, the first thing you think should be done is that the oil companies should be investigated.

You think heterosexual love is a male chauvinist plot to oppress women.

You think George Stephenapolis is, "A hunk."

You ever said, "Differently abled" when you mean "crippled."

You ever proposed that cockaroaches should be placed on the endangered species list.

You ever drove to an Earth Day rally in a Lincoln Towncar, or a Ferrari.

You blame the Republicans for rainy weather.

You never wished that Star Trek had more ship to ship combat scenes.

You think Al Franken is actually funny, but Rush Limbaugh is not.

You once referred to President Reagan as "that man in the White House."

You think that the Unabomber "has a point."

You cried out, "Where did I go wrong!" when your son or daughter joined the Marine Corps.

You think Newt Gingrich should be dipped in gravy train and fed to a pack of ravenous poddles.

You ever referred to someone's GI Joe figurines and matching tac nukes as "War toys."

You are against prayer in public schools, even before math tests.

You own an espresso maker, a cusinart, a vibrator, and a heated water bed and yet oppose off shore oil drilling and the construction of nuclear power plants.

You don't go into a fit of rage when Barney is on TV.

You think O.J. is actually innocent, but that Bernard Goetz is not.

You think that Doctors should be made into government bureaucrats, but that lawyers should not.

You've felt compelled to buy the child rearing book entitled, "How to get your Children to Say No in the 90s When You Said Yes in the 60s."

You object to little old ladies wearing fur, but not big, mean bikers wearing leather.

by (few years ago!)
Wedding Jokes

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's
marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few
minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the
same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with
respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special
occasions."

The minister inquired trips to where? "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.

by (few years ago!)
What do you call a three-legged donkey with one eye

Once you get started with the wonky jokes, you really can’t stop until you get them all out there. Plus, you can gauge just how drunk your companions are based on how funny they find these jokes. They sound hilarious, but if you don’t understand the lingo, the punch line is a bit off. The bartender came out with the third joke:

by (few years ago!)
HORMONE RELACEMENT NEWSFLASH

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

by (few years ago!)
Funny Animal Jokes

A pair of chickens walk into a public library, find the librarian and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens want three books, and promptly gives them some. Without further ado, the chickens walk out.

Around midday, the two chickens are back and looking quite annoyed. One leans over to the librarian and says,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens want another three books and promptly gives them some more. The chickens leave as before.

About an hour later the two birds march back in, approach the librarian, looking very angry now and nearly shouting, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!'

The librarian is now starting to get worried about where all her stock is going. She decides to give them more books but also to follow them and find out what's happening.

She followed them out of the library, out of town, and into to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen.

She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was kept repeating, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."

by (few years ago!)
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