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Blonde jokes

How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?A: Flattered.

by (few years ago!) / 538 views
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A HANDFUL OF FAMOUS BEER QUOTES

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
- Ernest Hemmingway

He was a wise man who invented beer.
- Plato

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
- Catherine Zandonella

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
- David Daye

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
- Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
- Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
- Humphrey Bogart

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
- Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting.
- George Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer.
- Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
- For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
- Dean Martin-

by (few years ago!)
Great Bar Jokes


I love to hear a good joke. In fact, I've heard quite a few ridiculously funny jokes in my life. I'm not sharing any of those with you today. Instead, I'm sharing the seven jokes I've heard in a bar which made me laugh so hard (at the time) that I ended up writing them down. Yes, that's me: the girl in the bar who writes things on napkins so she won't forget them later.


Why am I sharing these with you? Even if you don't find them funny right now, wait until you have had a good number of drinks at the bar. Then, start sharing these. You'll see.


by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

Why does a dog wag its tail? - A: No one else will do it for them

by (few years ago!)
Jokes And Funny Stories About Animals - 2

A city slicker drives through a little town, and stops at a gas station to fill up. Going into the station to pay he sees a man playing checkers with a dog. "Utterly fantastic", he gasps, "a dog who plays checkers. You could take him to the city and make piles of money with him." After his next move the man looks up and says , "Awh, he ain't so smart. I can beat him two times out of three."

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

Computers can never replace humans. They may become capable of artificial intelligence, but they will never master real stupidity.

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

Alsation: Why do you like to go on camping trips? Chihuahua: I like to "ruff it!

by (few years ago!)
Looking to buy a frog?

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

by (few years ago!)
A Mother's Dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot?A: Bigfoot has been sighted.

by (few years ago!)
THE COMPUTER PROGRAMMER


A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

by (few years ago!)
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