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Blaming all of Americas troubles on lawyers

A group of dinner guests were blaming all of Americas troubles on lawyers when a woman said, They arent all so bad. Why, last year a lawyer gave me $1000.
I dont believe it, the host responded.

Its true, I swear it, said the woman. I had a complicated personal injury case and what with the lawyers fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal and so on, my bill was $41,000. When the judgment only amounted to $40,000, my lawyer simply forgave the difference.

by (few years ago!) / 563 views
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Similar Jokes

A 12 inch ___

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar.

He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster lighter?"

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?"

"Yes, right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie.

The friend asks the genie, "Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will" the genie replies.

The friend asks the genie for a million bucks.

The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

He answers,"I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says,
"All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine".
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies,
"Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!"

by (few years ago!)
Trump Jr.: 'Death Threat Wedding Speech Was A Joke'

Ivana Trump's son was joking when he threatened to kill his mother's new husband, Rossano Rubicondi, at the couple's wedding last month. Donald Trump Jr. handed over his mother to her Italian fiance with a chilling warning for the 35-year-old groom.

He remarked in front of the wedding's 500 guests: "We are a construction company and we have job sites, we lose people. You better treat her right, because I have a .45 and a shovel."

And though Trump Jr. admits he has spoken to the groom "man to man" about an incident when his mother called police to remove Rubicondi from her home earlier this year, he insists the speech was all in good fun.

He says, "Rossano's always been straight up with me. If he treats her with respect, that's all you can ask."

The couple wed in a lavish ceremony at the Palm Beach, Fla., estate of Trump's ex-husband, property mogul Donald.

by (few years ago!)
ON THE MENU


The waitress walks up to one of her tables and is shocked to see three Japanese men, all sat there masturbating violently.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she screams.

One of the Japanese guys looks up and says, "Well, it says on the menu, First come, First served!"

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

Which way did the programmer go?A: He went DATA way!

by (few years ago!)
A LITTLE BOY WITH NO ARMS


There was this little boy with no arms. He wanted to ring the church bell on Sundays so he went to talk to the preacher. The preacher didn't know how he was going to do it, but he figured he would give him a shot. When they got to the top tower, the kid runs face first into the bell, no sound.

After a few moments, the kid gets up and begs the preacher for another try. The preacher tells him to do it, so the kid runs his head into the bell again, then falls out like the time before. When he gets up he again asks the preacher for another try.

The preacher just nods his head so the kid again runs his head into the bell and falls out again. By this time the bell was swinging away. When the kid stood up, the bell hit him in the face and knocked him out the window. He fell to the ground and died.

When the police came, they asked the preacher if he knew the kids name.

The preacher said," No. But his face sure rings a bell."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?A: Proofreading.

by (few years ago!)
office jokes

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them. If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

by (few years ago!)
A DUCK AND A BAR


There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, "can I help you"?

The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"

The bartender said, "NO! This is a bar and we don't sell raisins." The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!

The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him? The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"

The bartender said, "NO this is a BAR we don't sell raisins!" So the duck walked out again and left. He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again!
The duck yelled at the bartender, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"

The bartender said, "NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there."

The duck said, "ok", and left.

The next day came and sure enough the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, "quack, quack, got any nails?"

The bartender replied, "No!"

The duck said "Good, then you got any raisins?"

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, sohe asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much wouldyou take off?" he asked her. The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

by (few years ago!)
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