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Blonde jokes

How do you keep a blonde in suspense?A: (Ill tell you tomorrow.)

by (few years ago!) / 517 views
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Dog jokes

What do you get when you cross a Doberman with a bird? A Doberman fincher!

by (few years ago!)
Difference between lawyers and buzzards?

What's the difference between lawyers and buzzards?

Lawyers have removable wing tips.

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Teacher: You copies from Freds exam paper didnt you?Pupil: How did you know?Teacher: Freds paper says "I dont know" and you have put "Me, neither"!

by (few years ago!)
Bumper Sticker Sayings

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
10. You! Off my planet!
11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
16. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
17. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
22. Stress is when you wake up screaming &
you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
23. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
24. Adults are just kids who owe money.
25. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
29. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
30. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
31. Earth is full. Go home.
32. Is it time for your medication or mine?
33. Does this condom make me look fat?
34. I plead contemporary insanity.
35. And which dwarf are you?
36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. Meandering to a different drummer.
39. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
40. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and hes in serious financial trouble. Hes so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray"God, please help me, Ive lost my business and if I dont get some money, Im going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.Jacob goes back to the synagogue."God, please let me win the lotto, Ive lost my business, my house and Im going to lose my car as well".Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!Back to the synagogue."My God, why have you forsaken me?? Ive lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I dont often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why wont you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET"

by (few years ago!)
Penis Requests a Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor

I work at great depths

I plunge head first into everything I do

I do not get weekends off or public holidays

I work in a damp environment

I don't get paid overtime

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation

I work in high temperatures

My work exposes me to contagious diseases


Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight

You fall asleep on the job after brief work period

You do not always follow the orders of the management team

You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing

You'll retire well before reaching 65

You're unable to work double shifts

You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? Thats where you wash all your vegetables!

by (few years ago!)
Funny Animal Jokes

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

by (few years ago!)
Aha! Medical Jokes

Medical jokes, clean, updated often, and ranging in topics from helping patients recover to diagnosing problems. Each joke is labeled, and all have been filtered for the best quality. You'll find medical jokes about insane patients, about silly doctors, about dumb nurses, and about medicine

by (few years ago!)
Political jokes

Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, Vote Democratic." His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesnt cost me a nickel. I dont give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, Vote Democratic."

by (few years ago!)
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