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How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?A: She fell out of the tree

by (few years ago!) / 507 views
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TOUGH MICE

Three mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away.

The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to shag the cat."+

by (few years ago!)
SWITCHING SIDES


A life long supporter of the labour party was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join the Tory party.

"But why?" asked his puzzled friend, "You're labour through and through… Why change now?"

The man learned forward and explained, "Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us."

by (few years ago!)
Jokes And Funny Stories About Animals - 4

Baby snake: Mommy, are we poisonous?
Mother snake: Yes honey, but why do you want to know?
Baby snake: Well, I just bit my tongue...

by (few years ago!)
MORE TALES FROM THE GOLF COURSE


A couple decide to go golfing to the best golf course in their state. While playing, the husband tells his wife to be very careful, as there were many houses along the golf course. But the stupid wife swings her club and it breaks one of the glasses of the biggest house on the course.

So the husband and wife decided to go and apologize to the owner of the house. When they reached the house they found a glass bottle lying on the floor broken into hundreds of pieces. They found an old man sitting in his rocking chair and greeted the couple inside.

He said, "I am a genie and I would like to thank you for letting me free from this bottle, and I would like to grant you 2 wishes and the 3rd wish is mine."

So the husband says "I want a private aircraft for myself." The wife said she would like a house in every single country.

The genie says, "for the past 200 years he has never had sex and would like to have sex with the lady."

The husband agrees and the genie takes the lady up and begins having sex.

Then he asks the lady "How old is your husband?"

she replies "47"

and the genie says "And he still believes in genies?"

by (few years ago!)
Dentist Visit

The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry.

"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Smith turned to his wife.."Show him, honey."

by (few years ago!)
TIME TO HIT THE ROAD?


There are two pieces of tarmac sitting by the side of the bar, and they are having a drinking contest, to see which one is the hardest.

After 12 shots of vodka, both pieces of tarmac are still unphased, when suddenly the door opens and a red piece of tarmac walks in. On seeing the red piece of tarmac, one piece of tarmac runs straight for the toilets.

An hour later, he ventures out and discovers that the red piece of tarmac has left. The other piece of tarmac asks him why he ran off.

He replies "Haven't you heard about him? He's a cycle-path!"

by (few years ago!)
STROLLING DOWN THE STREET ONE DAY


Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Covert to Catholicism and get $10."

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."

Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"

Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?"

Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"

by (few years ago!)
computer jokes

1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

2. You get a tattoo that reads: "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 4.0 or higher."

3. You name your children Eudora, Mozillia, and Dotcom.

4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.

by (few years ago!)
Saving Herself

This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset

by (few years ago!)
Graphaholics Anonymous

1. We admit we are powerless over the need to create graphics

And that our life revolves around "making one more graphic before I_________________." (insert one: "go to bed, feed the cat, cook supper, go to work...")

2. We believe that a power greater than ourselves exists, and it's name is PaintShop Pro.

3. We have made the decision to turn our lives and what skill we have over to the care of Graphics utilities, that they may help us create that which we cannot do on our own.

4. We have made, and continue to make, a searching and fearless inventory of the web to find copyright free graphics, and also of our computers, that we may delete old graphics to make room for new ones.

5. We admit that we cannot make good, modem friendly, graphics without the help of Gifwizard and L-view Pro.

6. We are entirely ready to let any graphics utilities we can find remove all defects from our graphics.

7. We humbly ask that our computers not crash due to all the graphics stored therein.

8. We have made a list of all the persons who make better graphics than we do And are willing to try and outdo them.

9. We admit our jealousy of those that make better graphics than we do and Appeal to them whenever possible to teach us how they did it.

10. We continue to take inventory of our hard drives and web sites and promptly remove Any "amateur" ("how could I have thought that was good?") Graphics that we find.

11. We seek, through "help files" and source code, to learn every nuance of Other's' secrets so that we will always be making better graphics.

12. We have had a spiritual awakening as a result of stealing other's ideas. We have tried to help all other novice graphic junkies to make better Graphics by sharing our knowledge (but not enough that they make better graphics than us)

by (few years ago!)
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