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Blonde jokes

Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

by (few years ago!) / 658 views
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Similar Jokes

bar

One day, four construction workers were in the local watering hole fighting over who had the biggest wang. So, all four of the construction guys took their wangs out and laid them on top of the bar. They were in the process of measuring themselves when a gay man came into the tavern.

As the gay guy walked up to the bar, the bartender asked him, "What will you have?"

The gay guy replied, "I believe that I'll have the buffet!"

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Looky thar up ahead Earl. It's a po-leece roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talking, okay?" said Earl.

They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir." said Earl. "We're on the patch."

by (few years ago!)
Before Computers

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy . .

. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!

by (few years ago!)
Five Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

by (few years ago!)
Misc Jokes

A country woman and her daughter were riding in an old pen buggy one cold, blustery January day in North Dakota. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied. "Put them between my legs; they'll warm up." He did, and his hands warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the girl. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up. The next day, the boy friend was once again driving with the girl and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The next day, the girl is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The somewhat concerned mother says, "Yes, I have. Why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out!"

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital),and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation wentwell and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he wasreassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed."Mr. Smith, youre going to be just fine," said the nun, gentlypatting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend topay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?""No, Im not," the man whispered hoarsely."Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun."Im afraid I cannot, Sister.""Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questionedsternly."Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But shes ahumble spinster nun.""Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God.""Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in -law."

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

Why do men like love at first site? A. It saves them a lot of time.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek A One.

by (few years ago!)
Political jokes

A small boy was asked by his teacher, "What is the size of the Democratic Party?" "About 5 feet 2 inches," he replied promptly. "NO!" exploded the teacher.. "I mean, how MANY members does it have? How did you get 5 feet 2 inches?" "Well," replied the boy, "my father is 6 feet tall and every night he puts his hands to his chin and says.. "Ive had it up to HERE with the Democratic Party!"

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

If Operating Systems were beer..
DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately.
Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 95 Beer:
You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

by (few years ago!)
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