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A client who felt his legal bill was too high...

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:

"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. -$50.00."

by (few years ago!) / 571 views
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A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.

After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.

He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

by (few years ago!)

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His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

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Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

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A lesson in 'Australian' for my international friends...

Being an international class-room with an Australian bloke (definition to follow) up the front, I get regular emails from some of my international (mainly American) visitors wondering what the heck I'm talking about when I use certain terms and words.

While most Australians are reasonably familiar with American culture and language, having grown up watching American sit-coms, going to American movies and listening to American music... it appears that the majority of Americans (and Canadians) know very little about the Aussie culture, language or sense of humour.

So in an attempt to bridge the conversational gap, I have decided to publish edition one of Craig's guide to the Aussie language. I don't want to overload you in your first lesson so I'll be gentle, patient and brief. If you ever want to integrate seamlessly into the Australian culture, you'll need to master at least some of the following words:

Arvo - afternoon (let's meet this arvo at your house)
Barbie - barbecue
Bingle - motor vehicle accident (I had a bingle on the way to work)
Bloke - man, guy
Bloody - very (it is bloody hot today)
Blowie - blow fly
Bludger - lazy person (that bloke standing near the barbie is a bludger)
Blue - fight (verbal or fist)
Boofhead - likeable idiot (give me a hug ya big boofhead)
Bushie - someone who lives in the Bush
Coldie - a beer (I feel like a coldie)
Chook - a chicken (I'm having a coldie and some chook for dinner)
Daks - trousers (I spilled half of my coldie on my daks)
Dinky-di - the real thing, genuine (he's a dinky-di bloke)
Fair dinkum - true, genuine (Is that fair dinkum?)
Footy - Australian Rules Football
Franger - condom
G'Day - hello; the great Australian greeting (G'day mate)
Garbo - municipal garbage collector
Greenie - environmentalist
Grouse - fantastic, great, very good (we had a grouse time at the party)
Hooroo - goodbye
Mate - buddy, friend (he's my best mate)
Pash - kiss ( I pashed a girl at the party)
Rack off - go away (rack off ya boofhead)
Ripper - fantastic, great (what a ripper game)
Shag - have sex
Sheila - a woman
Sickie - a day off work for a feigned sickness (the bludger took a sickie)
Snag - a sausage
Togs - swim suit
Thongs - called flip flops in the U.S.
Tucker - food (this snag is grouse tucker)
Yakka - work (this shovelling is hard yakka)
Yobbo : an uncouth person (who let that yobbo in here?)

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Jokes And Funny Stories About Animals - 5

This is page 5 of jokes and funny stories about animals.

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Women jokes

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