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Blonde jokes

One day, a blonde and her friend were walking through the park. Suddenly, the blondes friend said, "Oh, look, a dead birdie!" The blonde looked up and said, "Where?"

by (few years ago!) / 554 views
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THE MAGIC MIRROR

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one wish is granted. However, if one tells a lie then with a “POOF” you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."

“POOF” The mirror swallows her.

Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive."

“POOF” The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think. . . ."

“POOF

by (few years ago!)
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next f...

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."

"I'll take it," the attorney said.

by (few years ago!)
By My Side

Her husband had been slipping in and out for a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business fell, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you gave me support.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side."

She just smiled and held his hand.

He then continued, saying "When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck."

by (few years ago!)
THE MERMAID AND THE COW

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in he head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the Mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young fellow asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?A: After a dye job.

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Teacher : Tommy you try my patience !Tommy: No, teacher you had better try mine. Theres more of it !

by (few years ago!)
blonde jokes

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... I must be a God!

A blonde thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, and take good care of me ... Huh, what was I thinking about?

by (few years ago!)
Signs You're Burned Out

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, 'Hell.' 9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, 'Get off my back, bitch!' 8. Your garbage can IS your 'in' box. 7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care. 6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee. 5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday. 4. You sleep more at work than at home. 3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge. 2. You blasted your Daily Planner with a .357 Magnum a week ago, but still haven't been able to miss a meeting. 1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

by (few years ago!)
This wife is too jealous

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

The bartender looks up and says, "Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!" The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!" The bartender says, "Oh, okay then." The man drinks his beer and leaves.

by (few years ago!)
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