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Blonde jokes

A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks.Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.The blonde turns around and shouts, "Cant you see Im winning!"

by (few years ago!) / 717 views
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Blonde jokes

Why do Blondes wear padded shoulders A So they dont get a concussion while bobbing their from head side to side as they are saying I dont know whenever you ask them a question.

by (few years ago!)
Bad Bar Joke

Their is a man sitting in a bar when gay man approaches and says, "If you woke up in the forest and your ass itched and you itched it and got Vaseline on your hand, would you tell anybody?"

The other man said. "NO!"

Then the gay says, "If you reached farther into your crack and pulled out a used condom would you tell anyone?"

The guy said "HELL NO!"

Then the gay guy said "Wanna go camping"

by (few years ago!)
BAR JOKES - WALKE IN A BAR

A man walks into a bar with a metal box under one arm and a duck under the other. The man walks up to the bar and asks the bar tender "if you give me a free bottle of beer I'll show you my dancing duck". The barman is surprised, but gives the guy a bud and asks the bloke to show him the duck dancing. So the guy puts the metal box on the bar, and stands the duck on top of it. A few seconds later the duck starts to jump around, as if he's doing an Irish jig.

by (few years ago!)
Stop The Blonde Jokes

A blonde nun was praying in her room one night when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly," God said. "Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. My reason for coming to you is not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish."

"Dear Heavenly Father," the nun replied, "I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love most. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways."

"Think hard, my child, there must be something you would have of me," God said.

"Well, Heavenly Father, there is one thing," replied the nun.

"Name it, my child," God said.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just me. I would very much like for blonde jokes to stop," the nun said.

"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be striken from the minds of humans forever. But surely there is something I could do just for you."

"There is one thing," replied the nun, "but it is very small, and really not worth your time."

"Name it. Please," God said.

"It's the M&Ms, Heavenly Father," explained the nun. "They're so difficult to peel!"

by (few years ago!)
Cover Up

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive''s wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

by (few years ago!)
Words Women Use

Study this and know it!

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING

This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow.

GO AHEAD.

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful
and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

by (few years ago!)
AN ENGLISHMAN, AN IRISHMAN AND A SCOTSMAN


An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them.

The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away.

The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer.

The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drinking saying, "Come on you little git, spit it out!"

by (few years ago!)
kid jokes

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

by (few years ago!)
Teacher At Court

A schoolteacher was given a ticket for driving through a red light. When she appeared in traffic court, she asked the judge for immediate attention to her case as she was due to be back in class. The judge looked at her sternly and said:

"So you're a schoolteacher. I am about to realize a lifelong ambition. You sit down at that table over there and write 'I went
through a stop sign. 'FIVE HUNDRED TIMES!"

by (few years ago!)
MARRIAGE JOKES

Dear, don't expect the first few meals to be great. It takes time to find the right restaurant."

by (few years ago!)
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