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Blonde jokes

A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, shes overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head.Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, dont do it..."The blonde yells back, "Shut up! Youre next!"

by (few years ago!) / 547 views
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Similar Jokes

Marriage jokes

The newlyweds arrived at the front desk of the posh ocean-side resort in Hilton Head, South Carolina, looking all fresh, and eager to enjoytheir two week vacation/honeymoon.The stunning blonde at the front desk smiled and said, "Well, hiJimmy, how ya been lover ? Long time no see."A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room. Onceinside, the piqued bride demanded: "And just who was THAT woman ?!?!?"The groom wiped his brow and said, "Just relax honey. Please ! Imgoing to have enuff trouble explaining you to her."

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

What does Santa call his wife at tax time?A: A dependent Claus.

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What do you get if you cross a dog with a blind mole ?A dog that keeps barking up the wrong tree !

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes beer booze and fun

A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartenter " Give me twenty shots of your best singlemalt scotch quick!"] The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says " Wow. I never saw anybady drink that fast." The man says " well you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have." The bartender says " Oh my god . what is it. what do you have?" The man looks at him and says " Fifty cents."

by (few years ago!)
THE JEWISH BEGGAR


An old Jewish beggar was out on the street, begging with his tin cup. A man passed by and the beggar said to the man, "Sir, could you spare 3 cents for a cup of coffee?"

And the man said, "Where do get coffee for 3 cents?"

And the beggar said, "Who buys retail?"

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought that the man looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong.

"I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some ticked-off husband wrote to me, and said he would kill me if I didn't stop messing around with his wife."

"So stop," the barkeep said.

"I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "That bastard didn't sign his name!"

by (few years ago!)
Resume Bloopers

These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

The Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing ona large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopheraccidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiffstepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed itand walked back to the boat. The next day at the university, a colleagueasked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope. "It wasokay, but would you believe that guy cant swim?"

by (few years ago!)
College Seniors vs. Freshmen

Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon.
Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon.

Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.
Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend.

Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mt. Dew into a recitation class.

Freshman: Calls the professor "Professor."
Senior: Calls the professor "Bob."

Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if its further than three blocks away.

Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professors habits to get a good grade.

Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Maybe...

Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.

Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are.
Seniors: Has own personal workstation.

Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere.
Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the street.

Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay.
Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay.

Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October...

....maybe.

Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.

Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm.
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm.

Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night.
Senior: Calls Dominos every other night.

Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs.
Senior: Is appalled that the campus Subway burned down over the summer.

Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions
Senior: Offers to tutor conscientious frosh of opposite sex...

Freshman: Goes on grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving onto campus

Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand ones horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room

Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class

by (few years ago!)
Want me to paint for you?

A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter.

"I'm here for the paint job," she said.

"Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house."

The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.

After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.

by (few years ago!)
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