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Bar jokes beer booze and fun

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didnt move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, Ill buy you another drink. I just cant stand to see a man crying." "No, its not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me. "When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. "I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison ..."

by (few years ago!) / 647 views
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Similar Jokes

blonde jokes

A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. "Miss, may I see your driver's license please?"

"Driver's license? What's that?" asked the blonde.

"It's a little card with your picture on it." replied the police man.

"Oh, duh! Here it is." the blonde said as she handed it to the cop.

"May I have your car insurance?" asked the cop.

"What's that?" asked the blonde.

"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."

"Oh this? Duh! Here you go." said the blonde.

The cop then takes his d**k out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims, "Oh no, not another Breathalyzer test!"

by (few years ago!)
Under The Influence - Bar Jokes - Amazing Gerbil

A scroungy looking fellow goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "No way; I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy shrugs, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if
I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me
a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't too risque?."
Under The Influence - Bar Jokes - Amazing Gerbil
"Done!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls
out a very large gerbil. He puts the gerbil on the bar and it
scampers down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the
keyboard and starts playing some wonderful Scott Joplin
tunes.

The bartender says, "Truly Amazing! I've never seen anything
like that before. Your furry friend is truly good on the piano."
The fellow grins, downs the drink and asks for another. "Cash,
another miracle or else no drink," says the bartender.

Undaunted, the fellow reaches into his coat again and pulls out
a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing.
He has a marvelous baritone voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

Another patron from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy
and offers him $500 on the spot for the frog. The guy says, "Done,
sir." He takes the five and gives the stranger the frog.

The stranger beats a hasty retreat out of the bar. The bartender
says to the guy, "What are you? Wacko? You sold a singing frog for
just $500? That thing must be worth millions. You're crazy."

"Maybe not...," says the guy, "Considering my friend the gerbil is
also a ventriloquist."

by (few years ago!)
Doctor, Laywer and a Manager

A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."

The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."

The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife -- you can go to the office and do some work.

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

A Texas rancher was driving through Mexico and stopped at the edge of the road to admire the scenery and a white beautiful horse caught his eye. The horse looked healthy well kept and was in a separate corral. Just for tries the Texan asked one of the workers if the horse was for sale. The worker trying to communicate said “No, no, he no look to good.” The Texan was not satisfied with the answered because he saw that the animal looked great and insisted on buying it, after a few arguments the worker arranged for the sale and the Texan took the horse back to his ranch. He rode the horse through his ranch and galloped to the barn when suddenly the horse ran right into the barn wall. Frustrated the Texan takes the horse back to Mexico and talks to the worker that sold him the horse and explains what happened. The worker said, “I told you he no look to good”

by (few years ago!)
INTERVIEW TECHNIQUES


An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?"

The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research.

After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"

by (few years ago!)
DOES YOUR CAT OWN YOU?

See how many yes answers apply to you.

Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?
Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?
Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on your drapes or licks your butter?
Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?
Do you kiss your cat on the whiskers?
Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?
Does your cat sleep on your head?
Do you like it?
Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?
Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?
Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?
Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas?

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What does a blonde say when you asked her what the last two words of the national anthem are?A: Play ball.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger A You can park in the handicap zone.

by (few years ago!)
Worried Woman

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”



The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

by (few years ago!)
BLOWING CHUNKS


A man walks into a bar acting really weird. He sits down and the man next to him asks, "What's wrong buddy?"

The man replied, "I've been blowing chunks all night!"

The man next to him replies, "Well that's not that bad, you just had to much to drink."

The man then said, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog

by (few years ago!)
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