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Men jokes

Why cant men get mad cow disease?A. Because theyre all pigs.

by (few years ago!) / 516 views
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ONE WINTER MORNING

President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered WhiteHouse lawn and sees the words "President Clinton sucks" written in pee in the snow.

Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn't care what it takes but he wants to know who did this. The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news.

"OK," says Clinton, "give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news."

The Chief says: "The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is." Clinton nods and the Chief continues: "The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore." This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news.

The Chief of Security swallows and says, "It's in Hilary's hand writing".


by (few years ago!)
Women jokes

What is the difference between a "Battery" and a woman? ANSWER: A battery has a positive side.

by (few years ago!)
A CARROT IN HIS EAR

A guy goes into the bar with a carrot in his ear. He orders a drink. The bar tender wants to mention the carrot but doesn't.

Next day the same guy with a carrot in his ear goes to the same bar and orders a drink. Again the bar tender wants to say something about the carrot but doesn't.

The 3rd day the same guy and the same carrot go to the bar and order a drink. As the bar tender serves the man he can't stand it any more. He says to the guy, "Hey Mack, you know you got a carrot in your ear?

The guy replies, "I can't hear you because I've got a carrot in my ear."

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

Wife: "Do you think of me when youre away darling?"Husband: "Yes honey, I always bare you in mind."

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Art Teacher: The picture of the horse is good, but where is the wagon ?Pupil: The horse will draw it !

by (few years ago!)
THE PACKED LUNCH SUICIDES

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building"

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blond opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.

"Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch.

by (few years ago!)
A drunk orders himself a beer

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

How does a blonde kill a fish?A: She drowns it.

by (few years ago!)
Sliding fee schedule

When my attorney told his clients that he had a sliding fee schedule, what he meant was that after he billed you, it was financially hard to get back on your feet.

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several yearsbefore the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walkedabout 10 feet behind their husbands.She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walkedseveral yards behind their wives.She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This ismarvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achievethis reversal of roles?"Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"

by (few years ago!)
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