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Men jokes

Men are like horoscopes.They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

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Animal jokes

A man started a new job at a zoo. He was given his first job by the zoo owner – to clean out the large tropical fish tank, which contained many exotic species.

While removing some gravel from the tank with his spade, he accidently hit one of the fish and killed it. Worried about losing his job for this mistake, he decided to hide the evidence. He took the fish and fed it to the lions because lions eat anything.

The zoo owner did not notice the missing fish and gave the man a new job – to muck out the chimps. He was in the middle of mucking out when two of the chimps became a bit over familiar and, in an attempt to get them away the man lashed out with his spade, killing two chimps. In his panic he decided to hide the evidence and fed the unfortunate chimpanzees to the lions because lions eat anything.

The zoo owner was pleased with the man’s work and as his final task for the day he asked him to collect honey from the zoo’s beehives. The man tried hard to do this without upsetting the bees, but some got angry and stung him. He grabbed his spade and whirled it above his head, squashing and killing several dozen bees. Plagued with guilt, he fed these to the lions as well because lions eat anything.

The next day, a new lion arrived at the zoo. He enquired of the existing residents “what’s the food like here?” One of the zoo’s resident lions said, “Oh, it’s great. Only yesterday we had fish, chimps and mushy bees.”

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you dont think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product pro blems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

by (few years ago!)
SCENE OF THE ACCIDENT


A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Morgen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

by (few years ago!)
Political jokes

Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas cards. Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.

by (few years ago!)
One Response to Funny Marriage Joke

for a bit of marriage humor? Check out this marriage joke. Did You Enjoy this Post? Subscribe to Long Relationships. Its Free! Back Home Posted

by (few years ago!)
Jokes & Funny Stories About Blondes

A young blonde woman went into a bank to withdraw some money.
For security purposes the cashier asked her if she could identify herself.
She opened her handbag and took out a small mirror, looked into it and said, "Yes, it's me all right."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

A blonde was taking the tour of a national park not long ago The ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosur fossils had been found in the area The blonde exclaimed Wow! I cant believe the dinosaurs would come this close to the highway.

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What did the dog take when he was run down?The license number of the car that hit him.

by (few years ago!)
MORE AMAZINGLY REAL EXTRACTS FROM AMERICAN COURTROOMS

"Are you married? "
"No, I'm divorced."
"And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
"A lot of things I didn't know about."

* * *

"Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
"No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

* * *

"Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

* * *

"Doctor did you say he was shot in the woods?"
"No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

* * *

"Could you see him from where you were standing? "
"I could see his head."
"And where was his head?"
"Just above his shoulders."

* * *

"...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
"The victim lived."

* * *

"What happened then?"
"He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
"Did he kill you?"
"No."

* * *

"Can you describe the individual?"
"He was about medium height and had a beard."
"Was this a male, or a female?"

* * *

"Are you sexually active?"
"No, I just lie there."

* * *

"Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
"Yes, I have been since early childhood."

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train. The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, "Dont worry - we have plenty of those where I come from." The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, "Dont worry - we have plenty of those where I come from." Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...

by (few years ago!)
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