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Men jokes

Men are like horoscopes.They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

by (few years ago!) / 624 views
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Men jokes

How do you lose fourteen stone of fat?Dump him.

by (few years ago!)
Political jokes

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.

by (few years ago!)
DONT WORRY ABOUT THE COWS

After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his fathers activities and be introduced to his fathers clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up.

by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

One evening in December, Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking down the street together when all four of them simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets to keep the money
The old drunk, of course, because the other three are all mythological creatures.

by (few years ago!)
Political jokes

Democrats favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street." Republicans favorite Christmas movie is "Its a Wonderful Life." Right-Wing Republicans favorite Christmas movie is "Die Hard."

by (few years ago!)
A LITTLE MONKEY BUSINESS

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing around the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please".

The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5,000". The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, "That was a very expensive monkey, most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He says to the shop keeper, "That one's even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff."

The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000.

He gasps to the shop keeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

"Well," says the shopkeeper, "I don't know if it actually does anything, but says it's a Consultant.

by (few years ago!)
Political jokes

What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?A: A competent liberal President.

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

Whats the difference between Windows 95 and a virus? A virus does something.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What do you say to a Blonde that wont give in?A: "Have another beer."

by (few years ago!)
Actual calls to technical support

Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.

After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."

A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving feature known as "hibernate." Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked.

Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.

A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer--the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace - was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a "window" to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.

by (few years ago!)
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