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Men jokes

Men are like horoscopes.They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

by (few years ago!) / 595 views
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Business jokes

Here's a humorous story about a wealthy businessman as told by one of his grandchildren. Back in 1927 the businessman was bringing his wife, new baby and a nurse home from the hospital in a brand new Lincoln. As luck would have it, the car stalled on the tracks and they could hear a whistle blowing in the distance. Now, the man would rather risk his life than admit he couldn't handle any problem.
He looked at his watch and said calmly, ''The 4:05 is right on time.'' ''My baby!'' screamed his wife. ''Let's get out!'' ''What! And leave a $6,000 Lincoln on the tracks!'' He snapped. ''If you will just settle down, I'll get it started.''
But nobody settled down, and the train came into view. Everyone left the car except the businessman. He leaned out the window and yelled to his wife, ''Hey Ruth. In case I get killed, the key to the vault is behind the Shakespeare book in my study.''
The conductor, slowing down for a stop anyway, managed to halt the train ten feet from the car.
''Darn!'' cursed the businessman. ''Now I've got to find a new hiding place for the vault key.

by (few years ago!)
THE SINGING BULLFROG

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, which begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his free drinks, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to £250,000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere £500,000!"

"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist.

by (few years ago!)
Toilet Paper

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde.

The brunette says in a disgusted voice, Hang on the bathroom is just up the hill, Ill go get some toilet paper.

After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh.

The redhead says, Whats so funny?

The blonde says, Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes




The Smartest Dog Ever

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap! - Against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, no way! It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

by (few years ago!)
Sending The Bill

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when youre out of the office?

I give it to them, replied the lawyer, and then I send them a bill.

by (few years ago!)
BIZARRE REAL LIFE ANIMAL LAWS

In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 am and after 4 pm in Norfolk, Virginia.

Ducks quacking after 10 pm in Essex Falls, New Jersey are breaking the law.

In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits.

In McDonald, Ohio, farmers cannot march a goose down a city street. And fowl, particularly roosters, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts.

In Kansas, it is illegal for chicken thieves to work during daylight hours.

In New York, frogs may be taken from their ponds from June 16 to September 30, but only between sunrise and sunset.

In Pennsylvania, no one is allowed to shoot bullfrogs on a Sunday.

In Arizona, the bullfrog-hunting season is permanently closed.

In Vermont, you can be fined if your pig runs in a public park without the permission of a selectman.

French Lick Springs, Indiana, once passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th.

Madison, Wisconsin, will not allow joint custody of a family pet when a couple divorces - the animal is legally awarded to whoever happens to have possession of it at the time of the initial separation.

Dogs in Foxpoint, Wisconsin, may not bark profusely, snarl, or make any menacing gestures.

In Texas, it's illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow.

It is illegal to ride a mule down Lang, Kansas' Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.

Over in Berea, Kentucky and also in Willamantic, Connecticut, horses are not allowed out on the streets and highways at night unless the animal has a "bright" red taillight securely attached to its rump.

Horses may not wear cowbells inside the city limits of Tahoe City, California.

In Washington, though, every cow wandering the streets of Seattle must be wearing a cowbell.

In Burns, Oregon, horses are allowed in the town's taverns, if an admission fee is paid before they enter.

You can't blow your nose in public places in Leahy, Washington, because it might scare a horse and cause it to panic.

In Wanassa, New Jersey, a

by (few years ago!)
THE WORKS OUTING

This guy was staggering along the road, much the worse for the drink, throwing empty beer cans into the street and falling into peoples gardens His singing gained the attention of a passing policeman who decided to question him.

"What do you think you're doing there?" the policeman asked.

"I'm on my works outing" came the slurred reply.

"Then" the policeman queried, "where are all the others?"

"Ah" the man grinned, "You see officer, I'm self employed!"

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license.
Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?" The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler." The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises frominside the aprtment, walks inside to find his wife on the floorof the living room naked. Wife yells, "help, help, I am havinga heart attack", the husband runs in the other room to call thedoctor when one of his kids run up to him and says "daddy, daddy,there is a naked man in the closet", husband opens the closetdoor and sees his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "Bob, god damn it,my wife is having a heart attack and here you are trying to scarethe kids"!!!

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

A man looking for a job."...And remember we are very keen about clenliness. Did you wipe your shoes before entering” asked the manager. "Oh, yes sir."
Replied the man. The manager narrowed his eyes and said, “We are also very keen about the truth. There is no mat.

by (few years ago!)
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