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Marriage jokes

QUESTION: Do you know what is honeymoon? ANSWER: A short period of doting between dating and debting.

by (few years ago!) / 495 views
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Al's Wedding-related jokes and one-liners.

This marriage jokes list started as just a collection of amusing (to me, at least) odds and ends which would catch my eye from time to time. This collection was born when I decided to focus on marriage/relationship/battle-of-the-sexes items. (You should see the items I left out!) With some creativity, many of the items on these pages could be worked into a wedding reception speech. Using some of them in speeches will require more creativity (or courage) than others. Sensitive souls may find some of the material rather raw.

by (few years ago!)
COLLEGE SPORTS QUIZ


A guy walks into a restaurant, orders a drink, and asks the waiter if he'd like to hear a good Notre Dame joke.

"Listen buddy," he growled. "See those 2 big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dame's all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?"

"Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it 5 times."

by (few years ago!)
Cat technical support problems

This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator.

Well, one day we got a service call that said, "Cat caught in machine, come quick!"

When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending their various wounds, scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got sucked in! Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and clawed at everyone who came close. They finally freed the cat, and to this day, the cat goes nowhere near the machine.

by (few years ago!)
INCREDIBLE DAN QUAYLE QUOTES

Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." 9/21/88

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a 'part' of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a 'part' of Europe."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." 15/9/88

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." 18/9/90

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago"

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

by (few years ago!)
Misc Jokes

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager. "And, he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it would be worth it to you."

by (few years ago!)
Men Vs. Women Jokes

It's all in the punctuation:
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

by (few years ago!)
What's wrong with lawyer jokes?

What's wrong with lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

by (few years ago!)
A PARTICULARLY HARD QUESTION


A nun dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter says to her, "I'm sure you've lead a virtuous life, Sister, but before I can let you into heaven, you must answer one question. What," asks St. Peter,"were Eve's first words when she saw Adam?"

"Boy," says the nun, "that's a hard one."

"That's right!" says St. Peter, and the pearly gates open wide.

by (few years ago!)
THE UNHAPPY WIFE


An unhappy wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!

by (few years ago!)
ANY IDIOTS IN THE ROOM?


"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

by (few years ago!)
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