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Marriage jokes

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends."The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if thats all you want, get a TV!"

by (few years ago!) / 543 views
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This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

by (few years ago!)
Want a day off work? joke

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "That'd be my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What kind of dog do you have?"

by (few years ago!)
A lesson in 'Australian' for my international friends...

Being an international class-room with an Australian bloke (definition to follow) up the front, I get regular emails from some of my international (mainly American) visitors wondering what the heck I'm talking about when I use certain terms and words.

While most Australians are reasonably familiar with American culture and language, having grown up watching American sit-coms, going to American movies and listening to American music... it appears that the majority of Americans (and Canadians) know very little about the Aussie culture, language or sense of humour.

So in an attempt to bridge the conversational gap, I have decided to publish edition one of Craig's guide to the Aussie language. I don't want to overload you in your first lesson so I'll be gentle, patient and brief. If you ever want to integrate seamlessly into the Australian culture, you'll need to master at least some of the following words:

Arvo - afternoon (let's meet this arvo at your house)
Barbie - barbecue
Bingle - motor vehicle accident (I had a bingle on the way to work)
Bloke - man, guy
Bloody - very (it is bloody hot today)
Blowie - blow fly
Bludger - lazy person (that bloke standing near the barbie is a bludger)
Blue - fight (verbal or fist)
Boofhead - likeable idiot (give me a hug ya big boofhead)
Bushie - someone who lives in the Bush
Coldie - a beer (I feel like a coldie)
Chook - a chicken (I'm having a coldie and some chook for dinner)
Daks - trousers (I spilled half of my coldie on my daks)
Dinky-di - the real thing, genuine (he's a dinky-di bloke)
Fair dinkum - true, genuine (Is that fair dinkum?)
Footy - Australian Rules Football
Franger - condom
G'Day - hello; the great Australian greeting (G'day mate)
Garbo - municipal garbage collector
Greenie - environmentalist
Grouse - fantastic, great, very good (we had a grouse time at the party)
Hooroo - goodbye
Mate - buddy, friend (he's my best mate)
Pash - kiss ( I pashed a girl at the party)
Rack off - go away (rack off ya boofhead)
Ripper - fantastic, great (what a ripper game)
Shag - have sex
Sheila - a woman
Sickie - a day off work for a feigned sickness (the bludger took a sickie)
Snag - a sausage
Togs - swim suit
Thongs - called flip flops in the U.S.
Tucker - food (this snag is grouse tucker)
Yakka - work (this shovelling is hard yakka)
Yobbo : an uncouth person (who let that yobbo in here?)

by (few years ago!)
Men jokes

How are men like noodles?They are always in hot water, they lack taste and they need dough.

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. Its distracting!"Caddy: "This isnt a watch, sir, its a compass!"

by (few years ago!)
Grizzly Bear Warning

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued this bulletin

Warning: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that arent expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure: Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

by (few years ago!)
Man Walks Into a Lawyer's Office...

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.

Fifty dollars for three questions, replied the lawyer.

Isn't that awfully steep? asked the man.

Yes, the lawyer replied, and what was your third question?

by (few years ago!)
Blind Man

A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang.

"Who is it?"

"Blind man," came the response.

Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door.

The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, "Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?"

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side?A: She didnt know where to buy Left Guard!

by (few years ago!)
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