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Marriage jokes

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends."The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if thats all you want, get a TV!"

by (few years ago!) / 496 views
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Similar Jokes

Dog jokes

My dog is great at math. Really ? Ask him how much is two minus two. But two minus two is nothing! Thats what hell answer, nothing!

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes beer booze and fun

A guy walked into a bar and said "Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender." But when it was time to pay, the guy didnt have the money, so the bartender beat him up. The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldnt pay. Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!" The bartender said "Why?" The guy replyed "Youre violent when youre drunk!"

by (few years ago!)
Zoo jokes

Father and son standing outside the elephants cage in the Moscow Zoo. Father tells son, "If we stand around here long enough, one of them will throw some food at us."

by (few years ago!)
SURPRISING NEWS


Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but that she was pregnant! She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant.

Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White house. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well, they rang the oval office and Bill answered.

Hillary said, "Do you know what you did you rotten bastard? You got me pregnant!" The president remained silent.

Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!"

Bill finally answered, "Who is this?"

by (few years ago!)
computer jokes

News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play.

Microsoft believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches. While Contraceptive98 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.

OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner.

DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time it's used.

CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, un-interruptable Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.

Microsoft CEO, Bill Gates, is optimistic and recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years."

by (few years ago!)
How to Argue the Price of a Screw

A well known, rich business man's wife broke her hip. The business man got the best orthopedic surgeon in town to do the operation, which consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it.

The operation went smoothly, and the doctor sent the business man a bill for $5,000 for his services. The business man, outraged at the high price, sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. The doctor responded to the letter with the following:

1 Screw: $1.00
Knowing how to put it in: $4,999
Total: $5,000

The business man never argued.

by (few years ago!)
JUST SHOWING OFF


This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.

Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.

Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.

About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the hell are you doing that?!"

The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."

"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.

The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

A blonde and her husband were driving home, when they hit a rabit. They both got out of the car and stood over the poor creature.The blonde and her husband just stood their, when she said "Oh i know."So she when in the car and rumaged through her purse and came out with what lookeda bottle. She poured it on the rabit and they bothgot in the car. Suddenly the rabit got up hopped alittle bit and waved, hopped a little and waved,hopped to the top of the hill and waved.Then dissapered over it.The husband just stared at his wife and said "Honey, what did you pour onthat rabit?"His wife just said "Hair Restorer with a permanent wave."

by (few years ago!)
School jokes

Pupil: I dont think I deserved zero on this test!Teacher: I agree, but thats the lowest mark I could give you!

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, I can count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do you think it is because I am a blonde? Her mother replied, Of couse it is, dear. The next day, the blonde said, I can say the alphabet higher then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?Her mother replied, Of course it is dear!The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, I have a larger chest then all the kids in my class, do you think its because I am a blonde?Her mother replied, No dear, I think it is because you are eighteen years old."

by (few years ago!)
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