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Marriage jokes

A mother and her child were at a wedding. A little boy looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?" His mom replies, "The bride is in white because shes happy and this is the happiest day of her life." The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

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by (few years ago!) / 1059 views
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What a Comeback

The waiter took a bottle of Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second without looking over at the man, and decided to send a reply note.

The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own. He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return a note to this to the woman.

It read: For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage and there is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. However, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

by (few years ago!)
A very desperate marriage

Spurs will score two, one coming from the strikers and the other from a midfielder/defender; Dimitar Berbatov and Michael Dawson anyone? Maybe Wipey is due.

Bolton will bundle one in at some point or get something from a long-range shot. I see long balls to wide men and crosses, through-balls to Nicolas Anelka.

Martin Jol is unlikely, despite the wishes of the Spurs faithful, to keep an unchanged side. I will bet on him going for a physical presence and using a quick attacker like Aaron Lennon only from 60th minute, though I hope I am wrong.

Should Jermaine Defoe start, I back him getting caught offside 3,126 times, but I expect to see Robbie Keane and Berbs start up front. I would love to see a Keane-Defoe combination since we are unlikely to match them in the air anyway, with Berbatov or Mido coming on after 60-70 minutes when the Bolton defence tires.

As for our finish in the league (European qualification is all but written off by bookmakers), I would like to point out that after we beat fifth-placed Bolton, and we will, we will be eight points behind them. All of the teams in-between - Newcastle, Portsmouth, Everton and Reading - will finish weakly this season as they do not have strength in depth. Maybe one will get lucky, perhaps Portsmouth if Kanu finds his feet back from injury. So it's Spurs to win 2-1 in a physical long-ball game.

by (few years ago!)
A PLAUSIBLE EXPLANATION


One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"

God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."

So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"

"Well, Adam no. I did that so that she could love you."

by (few years ago!)
Business jokes

Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."
"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.
She responded, "It's the best way I can learn which ones I can do without."

by (few years ago!)
Short Blonde Jokes

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off.

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?Bring on their subs!

by (few years ago!)
lawyer jokes

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.

"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in mind for you." They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

by (few years ago!)
Learning To Be Observant

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

Which dog eats with its tail All dogs keep their tails on when eating.

by (few years ago!)
THE MAILMAN

The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a signature for a party on his route. Receiving no response to his knock on the front door, he went around to the back door which he found open, except for the screen door. He knocked. A high pitch voice from inside said, "Come in."

Upon entering the kitchen, he was confronted by the largest German Shepard he had ever seen. The dog bared his fangs menacingly, forcing the mail man against the wall. The mail man shouted, "Lady, call off you dog before he eats me alive."

The only response he got was that same high pitch voice coming from the next room saying, "Come in."

Pressing his body against the wall, he slowly worked his way to the door way leading to the next room. Looking around, he saw the room was empty, except for a parrot in a cage. After the threat from the huge dog, he was becoming quite irate and said to the parrot.

"Darn you, don't you know any words besides 'Come in?"

Without a moments hesitation the parrot responded, "Sic him!"

by (few years ago!)
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