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Marriage jokes

A mother and her child were at a wedding. A little boy looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?" His mom replies, "The bride is in white because shes happy and this is the happiest day of her life." The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

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by (few years ago!) / 1124 views
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Similar Jokes

THE UNHAPPY WIFE

An unhappy wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

by (few years ago!)
Under The Influence - Bar Jokes - Amazing Gerbil

A scroungy looking fellow goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "No way; I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy shrugs, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if
I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me
a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't too risque?."
Under The Influence - Bar Jokes - Amazing Gerbil
"Done!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls
out a very large gerbil. He puts the gerbil on the bar and it
scampers down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the
keyboard and starts playing some wonderful Scott Joplin
tunes.

The bartender says, "Truly Amazing! I've never seen anything
like that before. Your furry friend is truly good on the piano."
The fellow grins, downs the drink and asks for another. "Cash,
another miracle or else no drink," says the bartender.

Undaunted, the fellow reaches into his coat again and pulls out
a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing.
He has a marvelous baritone voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

Another patron from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy
and offers him $500 on the spot for the frog. The guy says, "Done,
sir." He takes the five and gives the stranger the frog.

The stranger beats a hasty retreat out of the bar. The bartender
says to the guy, "What are you? Wacko? You sold a singing frog for
just $500? That thing must be worth millions. You're crazy."

"Maybe not...," says the guy, "Considering my friend the gerbil is
also a ventriloquist."

by (few years ago!)
TWO STRINGS


These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar..."

The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?"

String says "Yeah."

Bartender says, "aren't you a string?"

String says, "No, I'm a frayed knot...

by (few years ago!)
Ethnic Insults

Q. why dont blacks and mexicans ever marry?
A. their kids are too lazy to steal.

Q. why do scottsmen wear kilts?
A. sheep can hear zippers.

Q. whats the difference between a mexican and a park bench?
A. a park bench can support a family of 4.

Q. what do you call a mexican porn star?
A. inch-a-lotta

Q. whats the difference between a Jew and a birthday cake?
A. the cake doesnt scream when you put it in the oven.

Q. Did you hear that 79% of all women in the U.S. are battered?
A. And to think ive been eating mine raw the whole time!

Q. what do you call a mexican in a 3 piece suit?
A. will the defendant please rise?

by (few years ago!)
Jokes And Funny Stories About Marriage - 5

Bill: Today is my wife's birthday.
Phil: What are you getting for her?
Bill: Make me an offer!

by (few years ago!)
BAR JOKES - WALKE IN A BAR

A bear walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve bears."

The bear demands a drink, but the bartender keeps refusing. Finally, the bear, glancing over at a woman sitting on a stool near him, says, "Either give me a drink, or I'll bite off the arm of this woman sitting next to me."
The bartender still refuses, so the bear leans over and bites off her arm. "Now, get me a drink, or I'll bite off her other arm too."

The bartender says, "Sorry, man, it's not my policy. We don't serve bears."
So the bear takes off her other arm. "Now get me a drink, or else I'll finish her off."

But the bartender says no again, so the bear turns around, eats the rest of the women, and says, "Now get me a drink, or you're next."
The bartender shrugs. "Sorry, we don't serve people who take drugs."

The bear says, "I haven't taken any drugs."
But the bartender replies, "Well, that was a barbiturate."

by (few years ago!)
SURPRISING NEWS


Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but that she was pregnant! She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant.

Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White house. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well, they rang the oval office and Bill answered.

Hillary said, "Do you know what you did you rotten bastard? You got me pregnant!" The president remained silent.

Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!"

Bill finally answered, "Who is this?"

by (few years ago!)
Religious jokes

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, Id take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, Id take it and throw it into the river."And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, Id take it and throw it into the river."He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

by (few years ago!)
Women jokes

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. "Im too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if Im going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well Ive had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. This tall, tanned and built guy with jet black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one move s. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

by (few years ago!)
Nine things dogs don't understand

1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.

2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.

3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet.

4. The cats have every right to be in the living room.

5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid

6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk

7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can.

8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.

9. No, it's my food....Oh alright then, just a small piece.

by (few years ago!)
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