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Marriage jokes

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, hes finished

by (few years ago!) / 561 views
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School jokes

Teacher : Whats happens to gold when it is exposed to the air ?Pupil : Its stolen !

by (few years ago!)
Sports jokes

There were three guys sitting behind three nuns at a football game. The men decided to antagonize the nuns, to get them to move. So the first guy says to the others (loud enough for the women ahead to hear), "I think I want to move to California, there are only 100 Catholics living there."

The second guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Washington, there are only 50 Catholics living there." The third guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Idaho, there are only 25 Catholics living there."

One of the nuns turns around, looks the third guy in the eye and calmly says, "Why don't you go to hell? There aren't any Catholics there."

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes

During the Great Depression, a man walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. The bartender can't believe his eyes and asked: "Where did you get all that money?"

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "For example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye."

The bartender thought about it and said, "Okay." So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it.

"Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again."

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the $50," said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals.

After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on."

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal. You owe me $500!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room $100 each that I could piss all over you and the bar, and still make you laugh!"

by (few years ago!)
Marriage jokes

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man."Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,"remarked his friend."Im not bitter. Now that Im so improved, she just isnt good enoughfor me."

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What kind of computers do chihuahuas like best?Lap-top!

by (few years ago!)
Animal jokes

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

by (few years ago!)
IT DOESN’T ADD UP

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"

"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."



by (few years ago!)
Lawyer jokes

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlightsbroken and considerable damage. Theres no sign of theoffending vehicle but hes relieved to see that theres anote stuck under the windshield wiper."Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who sawthe accident are nodding and smiling at me because they thinkIm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But Im not."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

by (few years ago!)
Jokes > Topics > W > Women Jokes

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that fucking map

by (few years ago!)
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