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Marriage jokes

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, hes finished

by (few years ago!) / 576 views
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A THEORY OF CREATION


God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grand children.

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

A man took his dog to the vets and asked the vet to completely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said "Why do you want me to do that? the dogs tail is perfectly healthy." The man replied "Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to make sure there are no signs of any welcome!!"

by (few years ago!)
JOB SEARCH JARGON

Whether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a long time veteran looking for a change of pace, this JOB SEARCH JARGON should help you get on your way...

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.

CAREER-MINDED:
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.

SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.

SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos

by (few years ago!)
Worried Woman

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”



The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

by (few years ago!)
GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS


God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"

Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."

God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain. You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect."

Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?"

God says, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time."

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes beer booze and fun

A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didnt smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.In the bar, he saw the local jock of the towns football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend.The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, "Buddy, if she went out with me, shed never go out with you ever again."To which the local jock replied, "Hey buddy, if she went out with you, shed never go out with ANYONE ever again."

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

What should you do if you find an angry 500 pound dog in your kitchen Eat out.

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle

by (few years ago!)
Political Jokes - Goverment Jokes, Politician Jokes and Military Jokes

Just absorb the great words of our leaders like:
"Let me tell you my thoughts about tax relief. When your economy is kind of ooching along, it's important to let people have more of their own money."
--- George W. Bush, Boston, Oct. 4, 2002

Or better yet.

by (few years ago!)
Dog jokes

Whats got four legs and no ears?A: Mike Tysons dog.

by (few years ago!)
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