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Lawyer jokes

Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?"Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, Im beginning to think I didnt."

by (few years ago!) / 796 views
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Bars & Bartender Jokes & Funny Stories - 2

A bear went into a bar and ordered a beer. He gave the bartender a twenty dollar bill and the bartender went to the other end of the bar to put the money in the cash register. The second bartender whispered to the first, "He's a bear, what does he know, shortchange him." The first bartender brings the bear $10 in change. A little while later the bartender starts talking to the bear and mentions, "We don't get many bears in this bar." The bear replies, "I'm not surprised, at $10 a beer I sure won't be back again....

by (few years ago!)
Bar jokes beer booze and fun

A guy walks into a tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, "Whats that all about?"The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish.""Okay," said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish."The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him.The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didnt want a million ducks." The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?"

by (few years ago!)
BEYOND ALL TRACK RECORDS

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

by (few years ago!)
A brain goes to a local bar

A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."

The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."

"Why not?" askes the brain.

"You're already out of your head."

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What are the blondes first words after 4 years of college? A: "Would you like fries with that?"

by (few years ago!)
Zoo jokes

A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian. "Look in the lions mouth," the vet told him."How do I do that?" he asked Carefully replied the vet

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

Why did the goal post get angry ?Because the bar was rattled !

by (few years ago!)
Computer jokes

If Operating Systems Were Airlines

DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane,
push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits
the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop
on, jump off...

Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the
same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions
about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need
to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants
courteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier
operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above
the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.

OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty - only a few prospective
passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just
departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline
personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing
from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each
passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much
safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a
little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe
until mid-2005. Maybe longer

by (few years ago!)
THE GOOD SAMARITAN

A Good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?"

"Yep!"

"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"

"Yep."

When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?"

"Yep."

Then the Good Samaritan got to think that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs.

However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?"
"Yep."

"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"

"Yep."

So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk, Then went back downstairs.

To his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over toward him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, save me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"



by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What is a brunette between two blondes?A. An interpreter.

by (few years ago!)
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