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Lawyer jokes

How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?Never enough.

by (few years ago!) / 570 views
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ANOTHER PEARLY GATES VARIATION

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself.

Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important. God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand".

God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand".

God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?"

Bill Gates responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".

by (few years ago!)
THE DRINKS ARE ON ME


This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one yourself."

"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.

Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else."

The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"

The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.

About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."

"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve.

"Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!

by (few years ago!)
AT A CROWDED BUS STOP ONE DAY

In the city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

by (few years ago!)
TWO TEXANS

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help."

He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no.

He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.

The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."

by (few years ago!)
A 12 YEAR OLD SCOTCH


A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch."

The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"

The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss,"

The old drunk replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am."

by (few years ago!)
office jokes

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

by (few years ago!)
Jokes And Funny Stories About Animals - 4

A woman seated at the movies was surprised to find, sitting in the two adjacent seats, a man with his arm around a sheep dog. All through the movie, she noticed the dog watching the picture with apparent understanding snarling when the villain appeared, yelping happily at the funny parts. At the end of the movie, she tapped the man on the shoulder. "I just can't get over how much your dog enjoyed the movie," she said. "It surprises me too," the man answered, "He absolutely despised the book."

by (few years ago!)
Office English Dictionary

Blamestorming: Sitting around
in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was
responsible.
Chainsaw Consultant: An
outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with
clean hands.
Cube Farm: An office filled
with cubicles.
Prairie Dogging: When someone
yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls
to see what's going on.
Ego Surfing: Scanning the
Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name.
Idea Hamsters: People who
always seem to have their idea generators running.
Keyboard Plaque: The
disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Mouse Potato: The online,
wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond: That minuscule
fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.
Perot: To quit unexpectedly,
as in "My cellular phone just perot'ed."
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
Stands for Single Income,Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird: To transmit
a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage: A
short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who
seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit
card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive
use.
Tourists: People who take
training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious
students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
Treeware: Hacker slang for
documentation or other printed material.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for
swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?

by (few years ago!)
Blonde jokes

What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

by (few years ago!)
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