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Lawyer jokes

A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted."Darling, it was just a shark," said his wife when he came to. "Youve got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."

by (few years ago!) / 684 views
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Marriage jokes

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the womans horse mis-steps and jostles the mans wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "Thats one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.A bit further down the path, the womans horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "Thats two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.As the afternoon sun began to set, the womans horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the womans horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front o f the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "Thats three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "Thats terrible, why would you do such a thing!"The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "Thats one!"

by (few years ago!)
computer jokes

Mr. Johnston, a businessman from Colorado, recently went on a business trip to Arizona. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jo Ann, to let her know that he had arrived safely.

Unfortunately, he mistyped a few letters and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.

The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here

by (few years ago!)
WORDPLAY

There's three dogs, a Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog all sat in a bar having a quiet drink when a great-looking female Collie strolls in. She comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a single sentence can have their way with me."

Quickly, the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."

The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."

She laughs and says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

by (few years ago!)
computer jokes

You can't call your mother; she doesn't have a modem.

15. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

16. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

17. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

by (few years ago!)
Misc Jokes

There were two Jewish women, Ruth and Golda, walking along the street. Ruth says to Golda, "My son, Irving, is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but he thinks she may have a disease called herpes.

Golda says to Ruth, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"

Ruth answers, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement. It's past time he's settled. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"

"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary at home. I'll look it up and call you."

So Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth "Ruth, keinahurra (thank goodness!), I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles!"

by (few years ago!)
Jokes And Funny Stories About Marriage - 5

cheer up!" said Alan to his depressed friend, John. "Why don't you drown your sorrows?"
John, a married man with three strapping daughters at home, turned a doleful face towards him and said:
"No man, that would be murder."

by (few years ago!)
Basic Rules for Dogs - Part II

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed - Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. Eat a shoe.

by (few years ago!)
Car break trouble

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

by (few years ago!)
Sport jokes

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jacks wife Tracy."Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesights gotten so bad, Icouldnt see where the ball went.""Youre seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife. "Why dont you take my brother Scott along?""But hes eighty-five and doesnt even play golf anymore," protested Jack."Yes, but hes got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for you,"Tracy pointed out.The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Did you see where it went?" asked Jack."Yup," Scott answered."Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance."I forgot."

by (few years ago!)
This wife is too jealous

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

by (few years ago!)
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