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Lawyer jokes

A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted."Darling, it was just a shark," said his wife when he came to. "Youve got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."

by (few years ago!) / 664 views
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Marriage jokes

John: "Im a man of few words."Bill: "Im married, too."

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Getting into fights

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

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THE WIDOW

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda, no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

by (few years ago!)
THE CLINTON/POPE ADMIN FOUL UP

Bill Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, who checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged.

The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye to the Pope as he went off to heaven.

On his way up, the Pope met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stopped to chat.

Pope: Sorry about the mix up.

Clinton: No problem!

Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.

Clinton: Why is that? It's not that great.

Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.

Clinton: Sorry, your Holiness - but you're about a day late.

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Marriage jokes

"Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."Did he get anything." his mates asked."yeah, a broken jaw and six teeth knocked out. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

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THE SMELL OF FRESH BLOOD

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!

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Cat On A Hot Tin Roof

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, Im so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died.
The man was very upset and yelled, You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldnt come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.

The brother thought about it and apologized.

So hows Mom? asked the man.

Shes on the roof and wont come down.

by (few years ago!)
Graphaholics Anonymous

1. We admit we are powerless over the need to create graphics

And that our life revolves around "making one more graphic before I_________________." (insert one: "go to bed, feed the cat, cook supper, go to work...")

2. We believe that a power greater than ourselves exists, and it's name is PaintShop Pro.

3. We have made the decision to turn our lives and what skill we have over to the care of Graphics utilities, that they may help us create that which we cannot do on our own.

4. We have made, and continue to make, a searching and fearless inventory of the web to find copyright free graphics, and also of our computers, that we may delete old graphics to make room for new ones.

5. We admit that we cannot make good, modem friendly, graphics without the help of Gifwizard and L-view Pro.

6. We are entirely ready to let any graphics utilities we can find remove all defects from our graphics.

7. We humbly ask that our computers not crash due to all the graphics stored therein.

8. We have made a list of all the persons who make better graphics than we do And are willing to try and outdo them.

9. We admit our jealousy of those that make better graphics than we do and Appeal to them whenever possible to teach us how they did it.

10. We continue to take inventory of our hard drives and web sites and promptly remove Any "amateur" ("how could I have thought that was good?") Graphics that we find.

11. We seek, through "help files" and source code, to learn every nuance of Other's' secrets so that we will always be making better graphics.

12. We have had a spiritual awakening as a result of stealing other's ideas. We have tried to help all other novice graphic junkies to make better Graphics by sharing our knowledge (but not enough that they make better graphics than us)

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Dog jokes

What kind of dog chases anything red ?A bull dog !

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Men jokes

Now do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.

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